


Carpe Diem - Every Day Could Be Your Last

by kuhekabir



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Dubious Consent, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rape/Non-con References, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-16
Updated: 2011-09-16
Packaged: 2017-10-23 19:22:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/253981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuhekabir/pseuds/kuhekabir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve is left to pick up the pieces of his life after a crazy stalker takes a shine to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Carpe Diem - Every Day Could Be Your Last

**Author's Note:**

> Part of the 2011 Hawaii Five 0 Bigbang Challenge over at LJ.

1

“Steve?” Danny’s voice rang through the empty house; his worry and impatience clear for everyone to hear.

Danny pushed the front door open, registering that it had been unlocked which was enough for him to already know something wasn’t right.

Steve always locked his door and to find it open in the morning, after countless calls that had gone unanswered, raised the tiny hairs on the back on Danny’s head.

Something wasn’t right and he dreaded what he would find.

The door fully opened and he was inside seconds later, he almost tripped over something on the floor.

“Careful, “Kono’s tease fell on deaf ears because his eyes caught a spilled milk carton on the floor and Steve would rather die than leave something like this unattended. The word neat freak sprang to mind.

His blue eyes lifted, taking in the state of the living room without lingering on anything in particular.

The sofa was overturned, a few items had been knocked onto the ground and the whole place looked as if a hurricane had torn it apart or as if Steve had fought a whole army and lost.

Chin was already on the phone calling in a forensic team to canvass the place because no one needed to have it spelled out that Steve had been taken.

“I’ll just check the rest of the house…”Kono mumbled, carefully making her way through the carnage.

Danny nodded, mentally going through a list of people that would have any interest in kidnapping Steve McGarrett; head of the special task force and for the life of him, right now no one came to his mind.

Sure, Steve had enemies.

Hell, everyone on the team had enemies it came with the job!

But the recent case had been neatly closed and any other enemies still crawling about out there would surely rather shoot than go through the trouble of abducting Steve. The guy was a menace as a friend, as a captive he would soon drive anyone insane. Or to murder.

Danny pursed his lips. It was imperative to find Steve before something drastic happened, something irreversible.

Danny swallowed; wherever Steve was, he clearly needed their help and when he got his friend back, he was going to implant him with a tracking device because seriously?

It was getting rather tiresome to always chase after McGarrett when the idiot ran off on a hunch.

This wasn’t Steve’s fault; Danny knew that and judging from how this place had been taken apart, the ex SEAL had put up quite a fight but Danny’s resolution stood: Once Steve was found, he would get tagged.

It would save everyone some headaches.

##

Crunching footsteps on what could be pebbles or stones was the first thing that Steve heard when he slowly drifted back to consciousness.

He wasn’t aware of much else because his mind was still drifting, caught in that place between the world and wherever you went when you were out cold.

Suddenly the air went out of his lungs as he was flung through the air and his blue eyes opened wide when he realized that this wasn’t his mind taking a flight of fancy, he was indeed in the air and his eyes grew even wider when the ground was suddenly rushing towards him.

Only his instinct had him rolling, trying to deflect the impact as best as he could but he still grunted in pain as he landed hard.

A few ribs protested and his leg sent a sharp flare of pain through his body but over all, nothing seemed to be broken.

He rested his head on the ground, closing his eyes for a few seconds to get his breathing back under control.

Even though he wasn’t consciously aware of it, a part of him was still trying to stay sharp, trying to sense for any danger but the locking of a door and no further sound apart from his ragged breathing told him that for the time being he was alone.

That didn’t mean he was safe but at least he would have some time to figure out what was going on.

He slowly opened his eyes again, rolling sideways so that he could get back up on his feet.

His ribs protested somewhat and he gingerly tried to put pressure on his right leg and while it was possible, his thigh seemed to be a little bit unhappy with him.

Probably a strained muscle of some sorts, Steve wondered and filed it away to be careful in combat.

It was a good habit to keep these things in mind because in the heat of the moment he needed to be aware if he could trust his body a 100% or not. It had often saved his life that he had been able to recall these things and not react on instinct like so many others of his comrades.

It was after all, quite easy to forget about a small injury until you tried to put weight on the leg and found it couldn’t hold it.

That wasn’t just embarrassing, it could be downright life threatening.

Steve’s curious eyes took in everything around him. He wasn’t so much in a room as in a hole of sorts because this place seriously couldn’t be a part of a house.

He frowned, his forehead crinkled as he re-evaluated that thought. It could be a cellar, left over from a house that had collapsed a long time ago.

It would explain the stone steps that led up to a wooden door and it would explain the stone floor.

He shifted his feet, eying the dirt and broken up patchwork of stones on the ground. It might have been a nice floor once but now it was barely holding together.

The walls weren’t any better and there was even some grass roots coming through in places that had Steve wondering just how secure this place was.

There was a tiny, rectangular opening in front of him. It wasn’t so much a window as some sort of air opening but with a tilt of the head, Steve mused that maybe, if he was lucky, he could manage to squeeze through it.

First though he would have to get up there but at least it was one possible means of escape.

He carefully made his way over to the door, running his fingers along the wood to test its stability but regardless of the shape of the rest of the room, the wooden door seemed to be fairly new and in good enough shape.

There was no handle on his side and after trying his best the door still wouldn’t budge. He hadn’t expected it to but he had still needed to try.

He slowly made his way down the stairs, methodically walking from one corner of the room to the other, checking the walls, ground and ceiling for anything that could maybe indicate to be a way out.

When he was done he found that his initial suspicion had been confirmed: he was underground and there were only two ways out: through the door or through the rectangular shaped opening.

He sighed.

His whole body ached and even though the fall hadn’t done more than bruise him, the beating he had taken in his own home was like a dull ache spreading all over his body.

The attack had come out of nowhere. He had been about to go to bed, turning off the lights when something had caught his attention and then his house had been stormed.

A part of him had been flattered that there had been five men sent to grab him because if there had only been one or two, he would’ve probably been able to take them.

But like this he was outnumbered and even though he put up a good fight, eventually he had gotten knocked down and there really wasn’t anything he could do when something sharp had pricked his neck.

He had fought against the drug but its effects had been quick and he had felt his whole body going lax while his mind had still been screaming.

He hated being drugged because it scared him to be this defenseless and while he would never admit to that out loud, in the privacy of his own mind, he could say it.

He had no idea how long he had been out but judging from the cold air that was coming through the window, added by a few flakes that looked like snow, he was pretty certain that he was a far way away from Hawaii.

Why someone would kidnap him, take him out of the state only to dump him in middle of nowhere in a cellar was beyond him but right now he really didn’t have the time to try and figure out what the lunatic of the hour had planned for him.

He might not know where he was but what he did know was that he couldn’t stay here. Obviously they, whoever they were, didn’t want him dead but that could change at any moment and he shouldn’t wait around for that to happen.

He slowly made his way towards the opening, looking up at it and thanking anyone who was listening that he was this tall.

Danny might’ve had a harder time reaching it but as it was, if he stood on the tip of his toes, his fingertips barely managed to scrap the edges of the opening.

It wasn’t enough to haul him up but the stones in the wall were ragged enough that he could use them to climb up a bit and apparently having a whole set of active and somewhat dangerous hobbies was paying off, because climbing like this wasn’t anything new to him.

He hadn’t done it in years but his muscles still remembered how to shift his body weight, how to cling and how to focus and even though his ribs ached and his thigh protested, he didn’t have far to go.

His hands grabbed the edge, allowing himself for a second to sigh in relief because his muscles strained again.

He wasn’t there yet. If he lost his footing now there was no way he could haul his body weight up by the tenuous grip he had.

So he stayed focused a bit longer and once he was high enough to push a hand through, grabbing hold of the edge on the outside, he allowed himself to pull upwards.

His feet still struggled to find stones to step on because why should he try to lift his entire weight if they could help him and eventually he had his upper body halfway through.

He was sort of dangling in mid air, feeling like some sort of sardine and he didn’t much like it all. He hadn’t been aware that he was even remotely claustrophobic but for a moment there, panic almost settled in.

He saw himself being stuck in between; unable to go forward but also unable to push back, trapped like this for all eternity but after a few painful swallows, his usual self confidence kicked in and he started pushing his way out.

The narrow opening scraped along his side, tearing his skin where the thin material of his shirt didn’t provide any protection at all but eventually he made it through.

He fell to the ground, his face landed on something soft and wet and after he came away spluttering and softly cursing he realized that he had landed in snow.

He hated snow.

It was cold, it was annoying and it was nothing but trouble. It was kind of like how Danny felt about sand even though his dislike was a lot more reasonable than his partner’s.

Snow after all was a hazard on the roads and no one in their right mind could like the cold temperatures that came with it!

He couldn’t hear any voices nearby, no cars or any sounds that would indicate he was near a city and for a moment he was almost lulled into complacency.

Then his brain kicked back in and he scrambled to his feet. He protectively pulled his arms around his torso, trying to protect himself from the chilly wind but it did no good.

Every breath that left his body was clearly visible and on shaky feet, he slowly made his way towards the nearby trees.

Thankfully there wasn’t much snow on the ground so if he kept up with the steady snowfall his tracks might get obscured.

It wasn’t ideal but he was out of choices.

He hurried as fast as he could, thankful that he had on his sturdy boots and not his sandals. His beige cargo pants and short sleeved black t-shirt weren’t going to do him much good out here in the open but at least he had good footwear for the trek through the wintry landscape.

Once he was safely hidden behind the tree line, he looked back, nodding to himself when he noticed that the freshly fallen snow had already hidden his tracks.

Still, there was no time to waste. For all he knew those men had dogs somewhere, just waiting to pick up his trail.

He needed to find some open body of water; a small stream would be ideal so that he could shake them completely.

Without any idea where he was or where he was going, Steve simply let his feet dictate the direction.

The light was slowly dimming, indicating that nightfall was rapidly approaching and he was aware that he rapidly needed to find some shelter.

If he slept out in the open there was a good chance that he wouldn’t see the next the day.

He staggered and it was then that he heard it, the soft, gurgling sounds of water nearby.

He sped up and eventually he found what he had been hoping for: a small stream.

He didn’t relish getting his boots wet and so far there had been indication that anyone had come after him but there was no other choice.

He had no idea who he was up against so he needed to take every precaution he could.

Liking it or not didn’t have anything to do with it.

With a deep breath he jumped into the water, steadying himself for feeling even colder in a minute.

Thankfully the stream was low, halfway frozen anyway so apart from stumbling a few times on the wet, slippery rocks, he made his way upstream.

Every one else would’ve headed downstream since every stream sooner or later past by some human habitat but Steve knew that if his captors knew anything at all, they would be expecting that.

They might not have any dogs, they might not know which way he had been heading but Steve needed to be sure to have put a lot of distance between them and him before he could risk approaching a settlement.

He hadn’t seen anyone who had taken him. The men had worn masks and never even said a few words so they could be standing right next to him and he wouldn’t even recognize them!

He couldn’t run the risk to find a nearby house or town and running into them without even knowing it.

So he headed upstream, hoping that this decision wouldn’t end up with him dead.

Because it really wouldn’t be a part of his plan if he evaded getting caught again only to end up dead from exposure.

All light had almost vanished when Steve finally left the stream, heading towards a clearing.

And there, lady luck was smiling on him because high up in the tree, there was a hunting shelter.

With shaky hands he climbed up the ladder, nearly slipping and falling a few times but he was a stubborn son of a bitch so he made it all the way up in one go.

The wooden shelter didn’t provide much protection from the nasty wind but it kept out the snow and someone had left a few blankets in a corner.

He didn’t want to look too closely at them, he draped them over himself and huddled into the warmest corner he could find.

It wasn’t much better than outside but at least it provided some sort of shelter. And it might be the difference between surviving the night or not.

He slept pitifully, coming awake in startled gasps many times but even though when dawn broke he was far from rested, he didn’t mind.

He was alive, that was all that counted.

The sky was clear, no cloud in sight and Steve was glad for it. He slowly climbed down and when he slipped, he barely landed on his feet.

He grabbed some snow, chewing on it to wet his mouth. He was hungry, his stomach was protesting the lack of food but he knew how to endure that.

He had gone hungry before and while it wasn’t pleasant, it could be done.

Going without water would have been a lot more difficult but as long as there was snow around he wasn’t going to have to worry about it.

It would keep him from getting too dehydrated and while it was far from ideal, it was at least one good thing about the snow.

He slowly made his way towards the clearing, sitting down on the edge.

The view before him was breathtaking.

High mountains rose in the distance, their snowy peaks giving the impression that they didn’t even melt during the summer.

Under the tree line the forest seemed to be thick and it was probably lush with life during the warmer months of the year.

He strained his neck, looking at the valley below, squinting to see if there was any smoke rising somewhere, indicating some sort of settlement.

He couldn’t hear any cars in the distance so there probably wasn’t any major road around.

There…he strained his neck further, squinting against the sunlight.

There seemed to be a few houses not too far off but then again, considering that he was high up and would have to find a way down without snapping his neck, it might have just as well been on the moon.

He sighed, rubbing his chin.

The sudden cough that tore through his body took him by surprise and he nearly toppled off the ledge.

He hauled himself backwards just in time, curling in on himself while he struggled to find his breath.

This wasn’t good.

Eventually the cough subsided and he tried to speak, finding that his voice was nearly gone. It was then that he noticed that his chest felt tight and that his head seemed ready to explode.

Funny that he hadn’t noticed that before but maybe that was sign that he was far from well.

He felt his forehead and sure enough he was hot to the touch.

Great, he thought, just what he needed.

But it was to be expected that he caught a cold since he was out in what appeared to be the middle of winter, dressed in a t-shirt.

He needed to hurry, even more so that before because if the fever took a hold of him, then he would be unable to continue and then he would end up dead for sure.

Eventually he found a way down that didn’t seem to be too dangerous and even though he was far from steady he started his descent.

His slow steps turned quicker when he lost his footing, sliding and tumbling downwards.

Thankfully his fall didn’t last very long and when he was ready to move again, he was even slower on his feet than before.

Eventually though he was down the mountain and from memory he picked the direction he should be heading.

He was so focused on putting one foot in front of the other that he almost missed the sound of human voices nearby.

He stopped, steadying himself on a tree while he blinked rapidly.

Was this real or was it his feverish mind conjuring up a fantasy?

He couldn’t be sure because right now he felt so hot that he was even tempted to take of his shirt and only clinging to his will power had stopped himself from doing that.

He shouldn't take off any more clothes. Of course it wasn’t really hot; that the air was practically frigid around him but that didn’t stop his body from sweating, from trembling and shivering all over.

It was the fever but his mind was already so dulled that there were moments when he forgot about that.

He took a few more steps, crouching behind a tree while his brain slowly translated what he was seeing.

He hadn’t reached the houses yet he had seen in the distance but he had found a road and a small diner of sorts.

He couldn’t make out the name but it didn’t matter.

He wanted to cry for help, stumble out of the trees and put his life into the hands of someone else because he felt so tired and surely someone by now should make all the pain go away.

He swallowed hard, his throat hurt form the movement and every breath felt as if it was taken through fire.

He blinked, his dull blue eyes focused on a pick up truck. He was moving before he was aware of what he was doing, making his way towards the truck and climbing into the back.

There sacks of unknown origin met him but he didn’t care, he pulled the plastic protection cover over his body, securing it again and then he allowed his eyes to flutter close.

He was far from safe yet. He didn’t even know if this truck was heading towards a major city but he figured, he didn’t have anything left to lose.

So he closed his eyes and when the truck’s jerky movements actually managed to lull him into sleep, he didn’t fight it.

There was only so much anyone could take and Steve was close to reaching his limit.

2

A sudden stop finally propelled Steve back into consciousness.

His feverish mind for a moment couldn’t remember where he was and it was only the full on body shiver that brought it back to him that he was in the back of a truck.

He buried his face in his arm, trying to stifle a cough but he wasn’t really successful.

The cough ripped through him as if someone was trying to rip out his lungs and what was even worse was that every time he tried to take a much need breath, it felt as if someone was pulling a cord around his chest, pulling tighter and tighter with each passing second.

He could almost imagine his face turning red and then blue when suddenly the ice grip on his chest loosened and he was able to inhale some much-needed oxygen.

The stars dancing in front of his eyes merrily disappeared and he had no idea if he had passed out again or not but when he opened his eyes once more, he could hear the sound of traffic, horns beeping and people talking.

The truck stuttered to a halt and he sprung to action before he could think about it.

Not caring if the driver noticed, he pulled the plastic off of him and with one fluent motion that a sick man shouldn’t be capable of; he hauled himself out of the truck and onto the street.

The sun was already low in the sky again so they must have traveled quite a distance.

He swayed on his feet and when the truck moved, he stumbled backwards, unaware that he had been leaning on it.

He yelped, his arms flailing while he tried to twist in mid air so that he didn’t land on his back but his body was exhausted and simply not up the task.

He landed hard, the back of his head connected with the concrete and yes the stars were back, twinkling merrily.

There were shouts around him but for all he knew, it could’ve all been in his head.

There was a part of him that knew he should move. He hadn’t even been able to look around, he had no idea if he had passed out on a major road, in a town or maybe anywhere else but for some reason his eyes simply wouldn’t open and no part of his body seemed willing to move.

“Can you talk?”

“Someone call 911!”

He registered with a mental snort that he understood what was being shouted around him and at least he was still on US soil. Or maybe Canada considering the tress and snow but again, why had his kidnappers dragged him off Hawaii to wherever here was? Nothing made sense...nothing...

He had no idea if that meant anything but at least he wasn’t going to have to wonder about lying through is teeth when he woke up again, if he woke up again, because right now his body was alternating between feeling as it was on fire and being an ice cube and somehow a gigantic bear seemed to have settled on his chest.

And right now, he was stomping his feet.

Stop it, Steve mumbled or at least thought but then he drifted off again, barely aware of the sirens in the background.

##

“Sir, can you tell me your name?”

Steve felt himself being shaken, lifted and then deposited on something soft but all that left his lips was grunt.

“Did he have any identification on him?”

Steve somehow managed to find the strength to open his eyes and he had to blink rapidly because the sudden light seemed to send spikes of pain through his head.

“Can you tell me your name?”

The question came again and even though it was hard, barely impossible, Steve managed to force out, “McGarrett. Call Williams, task force…”

“Where. What task force?”

Question after question when all Steve wanted was to fall back asleep but someone was shaking his shoulder again, more insistently than before and eventually Steve’s head lolled sideways.

“Hawaii, governor’s task force. Williams…” was all he managed before he passed out.

##

“I want security outside his door at all times.”

A familiar voice filtered through the constant drum in his ears but he wasn’t sure if it was really Danny he was hearing or if he was imagining things.

“What…?” he tried to say but the garbled sound that escaped his lips could’ve been anything.

He tried to shove whatever was covering his mouth and nose off of his face but before he could, strong hands pushed his own away.

“Leave that in place, it helps you breathe…”

Steve blinked, his blue eyes slowly focused on Danny’s face hovering above him and before Steve fell back into the darkness, he managed a small smile.

“Danny…”he whispered before everything went dark.

##

Danny swallowed hard. New emotions were fighting for attention and all because Steve had tried to smile, his name on his lips.

For days they had tried to find any leads but no one had known anything or at least that was what they had wanted to make them believe.

In the end, Danny had been forced to admit that if there had been any news to be found on the islands then they would’ve found it because neither he nor Chin had been subtle about their means of interrogation.

By now every crook on the island surely had received the message that if anyone messed with a member of Five 0 that the consequences would be dire.

It would at least give them some protection in the future but that small glimmer of hope hadn’t helped at all because Steve had still remained missing.

Danny had even started entertaining the idea that Steve had been taken back to the mainland but he hadn’t fully believed that crazy idea until the call had arrived hours earlier.

How someone had managed to get Steve off the island was still a mystery but despite protests Chin had stayed behind to investigate their new angle.

Private planes still have to be registered and eventually there had to be a lead to be found.

The governor had even given them her private jet, telling them to bring their boy safely back home and now he was here, in Seattle while Kono was canvassing the area for any local leads.

Danny rubbed his face, feeling bone tired.

“Mr. Williams?” a male voice shook him out of his thoughts and when the doctor offered him his hand to shake, Danny shook it without thinking twice about it.

“How is he doing?” he asked and because Steve was an anal son of a bitch who had apparently thought ahead when no one else had, he had named Danny on his medical emergency contact list.

It was yet another reason why he was here and Kono wasn’t.

The doctor consulted his chart while looking at the monitors hooked up to Steve.

Danny had to avert his eyes because seeing his always energetic partner so still was wrong at almost painful levels.

They still had no idea what Steve had been through and so far he hadn’t learned much apart from the fact that apparently Steve had been lucky.

That had been fine but now he was getting tired and he needed to know something more concrete.

“The bruises around his back and lower body indicate that he either fell or got beaten up.” There was a small pause before the 30 something man continued, “There is also a good chance that both might have happened.”

Danny nodded, filing that information away for future use.

If he ever got his hands on whoever had hurt Steve that person would end up in a shark cage in the middle of ocean before he or she could blink.

And this time it wouldn’t be a tourist cage with a few harmless sharks circling it!

“He has a torn muscle in his right thigh but I don’t believe that he will need any surgery or therapy for it.”

Danny nodded again, waiting for the other shoe to drop because it always did.

“He must have been out in the open for at least twenty four hours and for now, what worries me the most is his high fever and the congestion in his lungs.”

“Pneumonia?” Danny asked because he figured that after being in this cold weather while dressed for a Hawaiian temperature it would be a small miracle if Steve didn’t end up with something severe.

“Not yet, “the doctor said slowly, “but it is a risk, especially considering that he was dehydrated and in a weak condition when he was brought in.”

“What can we do?”

“Monitor him, make sure that he doesn’t remove the oxygen mask and keep him warm. The rest is out of our hands.”

“But he’ll be fine, right?” Danny had to ask because while the doctor hadn’t told him anything to the contrary he also hadn’t confirmed it.

“I cannot give you any guarantees,“ the doctor hedged but under Danny’s glare, the man eventually seemed to nod, “I am cautiously optimistic that if there are no further complications that he should be out of here in a few days. Right now we are giving him medication for the fever and since he is a strong, young man, he has very good chances of being out of here soon enough.”

“Thank you, doctor.” Danny said and without another word the other man left leaving Danny alone in the room.

He pulled up a chair, taking Steve’s clammy hand in his own, squeezing it slightly as he sat down.

“I’m here. You’re safe. Just relax and get better.” He said, blinking rapidly because no, he wasn’t going to cry.

##

“We’re going to take him for X-rays, “ a random, male voice said nearby and then the world moved.

Steve blinked, forcing his eyes open to figure out what was going on and he relaxed marginally when it wasn’t the world that had moved, just the bed.

All was fine then…

Everything vanished in mist again until a cool blast of air startled him.

He frowned, his blue eyes blinked open because why was it so cold?

He was just in time to see the doors whoosh open as he was carted through and his brain didn’t even have time to process it all before he was trying to roll sideways off the bed.

Cold air hit him like a blast and while his mind was trying to scream danger, he couldn’t do much about it.

He was strapped to the bed and apart from weakly pulling at the cuffs nothing happened.

“Shit, “one man cursed, “He woke up…”

If there had been any doubt on Steve’s mind that something was very wrong this would’ve settled it.

He was outside being rolled towards what appeared to be an ambulance and of course no one was stopping them because it wasn’t uncommon for patients to be transferred.

What had happened to his security detail?

Surely someone on his floor should’ve noticed that he had been moved and even though thinking calmly was almost beyond him he forced his muscles to relax.

He kept his eyes closed even though he was brimming with the need to know what was going on and instead he started to loosen the restraints. These weren’t meant to keep someone prisoner. They were simply there to stop a patient from accidentally rolling out of the bed and because of that they weren’t very tight.

Eventually he managed to get enough room in both of the restraints that he could break free and his body sprung into action before his dazed mind had time to come up with some sort of action plan.

He simply went with it, not strong enough to stop himself, running on instinct alone. As he tore through the restraints, he sat up, lashing out on the guy sitting right next to him, his fist connecting with his face.

The man fell backwards, his head crashed into the side of the ambulance and then he slumped sideways without moving again.

There were more curses behind him and even though the whole world seemed to have dimmed somewhat he was still able to decipher that there was someone else in the back with him.

Thankfully there were no restraints on his ankles so he simply jumped off the bed, falling towards the backdoor and yanking it open without giving it any more regard.

The ambulance was already readying to stop so when he jumped out he didn’t break any bones or kill himself like would’ve probably happened if he had tried this stunt while the ambulance had been going at full speed.

Once again his training and instincts kicked in and he rolled with it, bruising his shoulder along the way but in the end, he came away on his feet.

He could hear the tires screeching behind him and he didn’t waste any time by looking over his shoulder because there was no doubt in his mind that the men were going to come after him.

He had no clue where he was and where normally he would take in his surroundings while he was running, he was too feverish to do more than simply pick one direction and keep going until he dropped.

And that was exactly what he did.

It was sheer luck on his part that in his daze he had dashed into an alley and that he had found an entrance to an abandoned building because as soon as he was through the door, he crumbled to the floor and passed out.

##

“No hospital…not safe, “Steve found himself mumbling when for the tenth time someone was asking him what happened to him.

“What’s your name, son? “The male voice that had tried to break through to him asked him and the answer left his lips before he could think about it, “Steve, “he said.

“We can’t just keep him.”

“We have to respect his wishes.” And after a few moments, “Get me the spare clothes we have, they might fit him.”

Steve was shivering, slowly realizing that in his mad dash away from his kidnappers he had done so on bare feet in the freezing cold with a hospital gown that during good times could barely be considering as clothing anyway.

He didn’t resist when he felt his limbs being moved, feeling underwear being brushed up his thighs, followed by trousers and socks for his feet.

Shoes that felt a little bit too large followed and when he was asked to lift his arms that was when he ran into a few problems.

Moving hurt and sent him into a coughing fit that had him almost passing out from lack of oxygen but in the end with great persistence he came away dressed in a sweater and a coat.

A scarf was draped across his throat and some sort of wooly hat ended up on his head.

He felt marginally warmer now but it didn’t help much because the shivers that were wracking his body were mostly coming from within.

“He needs meds, “the other male voice said and Steve couldn’t agree more but he also knew that he couldn’t risk having them take him back to the hospital or to a doctor.

Right now he was a bit hazy as to why it was important that he stayed under the radar but when he said it again, the more familiar male voice assured him, “Rest friend, we will respect your wishes. It’s in God’s hand now.”

Steve allowed his eyes to fall shut because his body was finally shutting down. There were things he should be doing, precautions to take or friends to call but somehow all of that information seemed to slip away until it was gone for good.

Sometimes fever did that, burning with such intensity that it could erase the memory if not kept in check.

3

The next time Steve was more or less aware of where he was could have been days or weeks later for all he knew because time no longer had any meaning to him.

His blue eyes fluttered open and even though without knowing it, his training kicked in. He scanned the dimly lit room he was in, noting the cardboard boxes and various belongings stashed away in shopping carts.

This was a shelter for homeless people and even though it seemed to provide some shelter from the elements it was still bitterly cold.

A trashcan in the middle of the room was used for a common fireplace and even right now there were a few people huddling around it, their hands over the flames, trying to get warm.

Steve couldn’t remember what warm felt like but he had the feeling that he should.

He slowly sat up, wincing as his muscles moved and tiredness washed over him from simply attempting that.

“Here, “a steaming mug was put in front of his nose and he took it without questioning it. He needed nourishment and he was cold and the soup met both requirements.

“Thank you, “he slowly said and he wondered how rough and unused his voice sounded.

“God kept you among us then, “the man before him said, slowly sitting down, cradling his own mug in his hands.

“You’re welcome to stay here, “the stranger continued, “But Steve, if you do, you need to follow our rules.”

“What are they?” Steve asked his forehead creasing because wasn’t there somewhere he should be?

“See that list over there?” the man pointed towards an area on the wall where Steve could barely make out some writing. He couldn’t make out the words but it seemed like some sort of shopping list.

“Yes, “the other man agreed when Steve said the last bit out loud. “We try to get as much as we can for all of us. Everyone contributes and we all survive.”

After a few seconds the man continued, “Many shops around here will pay us under the table. It works for them because they avoid having to officially hire someone and it gives us enough money to stay alive.”

“But not enough to actually make a living at it, “Steve dryly commented and he watched the man shrug at his comment. “That is true. The salary wouldn’t pay for rent but it allow us to pay for some items here so that we can all share.”

Steve nodded. It seemed crude but the system seemed to work so who was he to judge?

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” the man voiced Steve’s own thoughts and then he added, “Family or friends maybe looking for you?”

Steve avoided answering by asking instead, “How long have I been here?”

“About a week, “the man answered, “For a while I thought you wouldn’t make it. You’re fever was very high.”

“Thank you.” Steve said quietly and the man simply nodded.

“Rest now but soon you will have to start contributing, if you want to stay.” The man said before he took Steve’s empty cup and got on his feet.

Steve nodded to show that he had understood and with a parting smile the man walked away, leaving Steve to his thoughts.

He didn’t know where he was. He tried to recall what had happened to him but the last thing he remembered was running and then he was here.

He frowned, rubbing his head.

Shouldn’t there be memories there? The only reason why he knew his first name for sure was because the man had used it. It did seem familiar, ringing true in a way so maybe his memory wasn’t completely gone.

Maybe it was just buried, waiting for the right moment to come back to him again.

He sighed, pulling his feet towards him while he put his head onto his knees. The feeling of importance to stay hidden was still there. It echoed through his mind with a force akin to a hurricane and he wasn’t going to ignore it.

Logically he should probably go to the nearest police station or hospital. Surely there should be records of him somewhere and maybe someone was even looking for him.

But the moment he even considered that, the panic settled in again, clearly telling him that there was a good reason why he couldn’t risk being found.

He had no idea who was after him; he had no idea if he was running from the law or from something else but he wasn’t ready yet to deal with anything that his life had in store for him.

He needed to get better; he needed to regain his strength and until then, he was going to stay here.

This place was as good as any and clearly he owed these people to help them out as much as he could. They had provided food and shelter for him, clearly giving him something from their own rations when they didn’t have much to begin with.

No, he had nowhere else to go and he owed them something.

He was going to stay here and then eventually when he felt better, he would consider his options.

##

A week later Steve had settled into a routine. Every morning, like everyone else, he would go to the public restroom and wash up as best as possible.

He found himself yearning for a good swim and even though he couldn’t recall a single time he had gone swimming, something within him knew that he was something of a water rat.

That bit also told him that Seattle wasn’t probably his hometown because every time he thought about swimming he saw a vast ocean, sand and palm trees.

So either he was remembering a nice holiday or he was remembering home. Wherever it was.

He had no problem with English so either he was American or he had been here long enough that there was no difference. And he knew quite a lot about many things and even though if asked outright, nothing would come to him, eventually if he just went ahead and did things, he found himself drawing on buried knowledge that he hadn’t been aware was there.

It was disconcerting but also reassuring because it told him that his memory was still there.

He wanted it all back; patience apparently wasn’t something he was good at but this wasn’t something he could rush. It had only been a week after all since he had settled into this new routine, finding a job as a cleaning boy in one of the local coffee shops.

The pay was laughable but it allowed him to buy a few things that were on the list and it was a part of repaying the debt he owed.

The others seemed to be content with this life or they had at least accepted that this was all that there was and he in a way he envied them for it. Their little community was a family even tough no one was related by blood.

Out on the streets where normally no one cared about anyone, those people had found a way to make a home for them, caring about each other and Steve knew that this was something rare and special.

But he also knew that his wasn’t where he belonged.

He just still hadn’t figured out where he was supposed to go.

The decision though was taken out of his hands when one cold, sunny morning he found himself cornered in an alley.

The limousine was blocking the exit and the only reason why he was retreating was because two men had gotten out with guns at their sides.

They hadn’t drawn them but they looked ready enough that Steve was frozen in place.

He was in a much better shape than he had been a week ago but there were still many times during the day when he coughed and overall his body was still very weak. He might manage a sprint but in the long run these men would catch up to him.

That was if they didn’t shoot him in the back but since they hadn’t shot him on sight he doubted that they wanted him dead.

“Steve, “a blond man addressed him and for a moment he felt a jolt of recognition going through him. A face, framed by blond hair popped into his mind but before he could grab it and hold on to it was gone and the tall man in an expensive suit was walking towards him.

The feeling of wrong settled over Steve again but despite feeling the need to retreat he stood his ground.

The time for hiding was over.

He had no idea what his life was like out there but if these men had some answers for him then he was going to get them. It was time to take a few steps forwards instead of staying put and achieving nothing.

“Finally, “the man said cordially but Steve still narrowed his blue eyes. The finally had sounded more like I will really wring your neck if you make me chase you any longer so for once Steve listened to his poorly developed self preservation instinct and he stayed put.

He didn’t even notice but his body tensed and he grew more alert, taking in everything around him. To him this was second nature, thriving on danger and because he didn’t know any different, he didn’t realize that this wasn’t something that so called ordinary people felt.

“Don’t you know me?” the man suddenly asked, stopping and eying Steve as if he no longer wanted to wring his neck but as if he had hit the jackpot.

He honestly wasn’t so sure which look was better. There was no point in lying because Steve didn’t know anything about his life before waking up in the gutter and without any kind of information he couldn’t even attempt to bluff his way through anything.

For all he knew this man could be family but something told him that this wasn’t the case.

Steve shrugged as if it was yesterday’s news. “The fever burnt it all away. Sorry, should I know you?” he added a hint of challenge to that statement followed by blinking all confused because he had noticed that the more harmless he appeared the more people tended to smile at him and helped him out.

He didn’t like manipulating people this way but right now he couldn’t afford to not do it and something in the back of his mind had his body tingling with the knowledge that it would be better for him if this man thought he was no threat.

And really, he was no threat but even without his memories Steve was aware that there was more lurking in the shadows of his mind than what was normal. He had observed that despite still feeling weak and disoriented at times, that his body was in good shape.

His muscle memory often surprised him; especially his quick reflexes and he saw no reason not to trust his instincts. He might not remember where they came from but it was all he had.

And he knew without a shred of doubt that this man could be dangerous for him if he thought that Steve wasn’t harmless. He almost cringed at the word because harmless made him edgy because seriously, he was a…the thought derailed and for a moment he had caught a glimpse of something. Of a reason as to why he was anything far from harmless or ordinary but whatever it had been had come and gone before he could hold on to it.

Either way, even without his instinct, common sense would be sufficient alone to be cautious when faced with a black limousine and men carrying concealed weapons. If they had been cops or some form of law enforcement they would have ID’d themselves by now so even though he wanted to run, he stood his ground.

Chances were pretty good anyway that he wouldn’t get very far. He was still too tired for his liking and even if there was a slight chance that he might manage to outrun them, they could always just pull their weapons and shoot him in the back.

“Is that so?” the blond man said, drawing out the words and Steve had to blink, trying to recall what he had said so that the conversation was making sense again. He tilted his head sideways, shrugging again, a small smirk played across his handsome features.

“Well, I’m your partner…”the man said and Steve had already his mouth open to say, no, you surely aren’t before he knew where it had come from. He closed his mouth again with an audible click, forcing his eyes to appear wide and innocent.

He nearly fainted from the effort and he had to balls his fingers into fists, his nails were digging into the palm of his hands to keep himself from lashing out.

He had no clue who that man was but he wasn’t his partner. He wasn’t even aware what kind of partner he had; it could be a romantic partner or a work partner but every time a face flashed in front of his mind, it was that of a blond man, waving his arms around with blue eyes sparkling with emotion.

He could never hold the image long enough to try and make any sort of ID of it but it lasted long enough to know for sure that the blond man in front of him wasn’t him.

Since some sort of response was clearly required Steve shrugged again, trying for a slightly meek, “Really?”

It must have worked because the man seemed to relax, taking yet another step towards him. Steve stood his ground, only easing a little off of digging his fingernails into his palms because he didn’t have any antiseptic to clean the wounds later.

“Come with me, let me take care of you like it should always have been.”

The man said and alarm bells went off inside Steve’s head that he almost fell forward from the imaginary sound.

He took a step backwards without thinking about it and when the man sighed, making some sort of hand gesture, Steve knew that he had to run.

Answers could wait but this guy was creeping him out and nothing good could come from seeking answers from him.

Predictably he didn’t get far, especially since contrary to what he had assumed, the blond man wasn’t above getting his hands dirty.

Steve lashed out, his body memory kicking in once more but he was no match for the two men and when he was properly immobilized he felt a sharp prick at his neck.

He struggled further even though his body seemed to go lax regardless of what he wanted.

Drugged, they had drugged him…he thought and if he had entertained the notion that this man was actually his friend it would have evaporated right there.

He might not remember who he was but he was dead certain that no friend of his would assault him, push him to the ground and then proceed to drug him.

That was just wrong and before he passed out, he made sure to kick out one more time. He closed his eyes with a satisfied grunt when a yelp told him that he must have a hit home somewhere.

4

“Come on, sleeping beauty, time to wake up!”

A singsong voice that grated on his nerves had Steve slowly opening his eyes his long eyelashes fluttering before he managed to keep his eyes open.

“There you are…”the blond man from before smiled down at him and Steve had to fight the urge to cringe away from him.

“Where am I?” he managed to say, his blue eyes were slowly looking around.

He was in a lavish room that was big enough to be considered an apartment by some standards. He was on a gigantic bed and from where he was he could make out huge windows to his right with a few plush chairs seated around a table.

The carpet appeared to be soft enough that mice would happily hide in it even though he doubted that this room had seen a speck of dust, let alone mice, in like forever.

“Home of course…”the man answered and Steve resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

Don’t annoy the mad man; don’t annoy the mad man fluttered across his mind, especially since he had gotten himself kidnapped.

He let out a deep breath, swallowing hard because of the knowledge that no one was going to come looking for him, knowing that if he wanted to get out of this place he would have to do it all alone was daunting but Steve was nothing if not stubborn so he only allowed fear to course through his body for a short time before he pushed it aside.

He might not like playing dumb but apparently this guy was reacting to him appearing confused and helpless and if he wanted to have any chance of getting out here, he needed to keep that up.

That it would probably drive him insane was another matter but maybe insane was better than dead. At least he would be alive!

“Who are you?” he asked again because there was no point in challenging the man’s previous answer.

“Your partner…your lover…”the last word was said with emphasis and there was no way that Steve could mistake the intent from the way the hand that had rested on his stomach was slowly moving lower.

He gulped, realizing that maybe he hadn’t thought this all the way through.

There had been a woman, barely twenty who had been living among them in the shelter and when Steve still had been too tired to do much, she had chosen to read to him a few hours each day. Since getting good reading material had been limited she had read to him from a few of her own precious romance novels and even though it had been somewhat entertaining at the time, he would’ve never thought that this knowledge would come in useful at any time.

Of course trying to pull of a blushing virgin routine wasn’t going to last because even though he couldn’t remember having sex, he was pretty sure that he wasn’t a virgin. Then again he had no idea if he had fancied men before or not because ever since he had woken up, sex had been the furthest thing on his mind.

He had noticed both men and women though so even without remembering his preferences from before, he was quite certain that right now, without any learned hang ups from 30 or so years of living, he would go for both.

But that didn’t mean that he found the man taking liberties with him appealing. Even if he wouldn’t creep him out to this degree there was just something off about him that screamed lunatic and Steve didn’t think that lunacy was a trait that he liked in a lover.

There was a mad gleam to this man’s brown eyes that told him without so many words that he could go from affectionate to homicidal in a heartbeat without needing any good cause for it.

He had to tread carefully but if he didn’t want to end up getting ravished this second he needed to something and the blushing virgin card was the only thing that came to his mind.

“Oh…I don’t remember you…”Steve managed to pout and look miserable as if that really bothered him and he was idly thinking that if he survived this he should get an Oscar for his acting skills.

“That’s alright.”

Steve now got his hair petted as if he was a puppy and only his superior will power had him restraining himself. Images of reaching out, grabbing hold of the wrist and snapping it in two were playing out before his eyes and there was also the disturbing knowledge that yes, he could really do that.

“I’m Charlie and I can wait a bit until you get settled.”

Steve tried to smile thankfully, as if that really touched him and he must have succeeded somewhat because Charlie got up, smiling benignly down on him.

“Why don’t you go and shower or maybe take a bath,“ here the man scrunched up his nose as if he had smelled something foul and honestly Steve couldn’t hold that against him because he couldn’t recall the last decent shower he had had so yes, he probably could do with a good cleaning.

“I’ve got no clothes…”he said quietly while he slowly got up. He still felt slightly faint but he wasn’t going to admit to it.

When he stumbled though, Charlie was there, steadying him.

“Just leave your clothes out, I’ll have someone leave clean things for you when you’re done.”

Steve opened his mouth to protest but one look at Charlie told him that he wasn’t going to get away with claiming modesty.

He didn’t think he was naturally modest, images of dragging his shirt over his head every so often popped into his head and while he wasn’t in top shape, he knew that he didn’t have anything to be ashamed of either.

Still, undressing before this creep wasn’t high on his list but he let out the fight that had been trying to boil over in favor of meekly dropping his head and slowly toeing off his shoes.

He didn’t need to look up to know that Charlie was watching him hungrily and his hands shook slightly when he pulled his shirt over his head.

The trousers and underwear soon followed and even though he could feel eyes on him, not leaving a single part of his body untouched, he didn’t look up. He was afraid that if he found Charlie’s eyes on him that he would leap across the distance and try to bash the man’s head in. And while that would give him satisfaction he wasn’t stupid enough to do it.

The door was locked, he was sure of it and considering the supreme locks on the windows he wouldn’t be surprised if there were guards around.

If he wanted to make a break for it he needed to gather more intel, get a idea of the grounds and of how many men were around and then, maybe, he would stand a chance.

Right now he needed to bide his time and if that included walking around butt naked then he would just have to suck it up.

He slowly padded towards the door where he assumed the bathroom was, fully aware of the stare that followed him.

He closed the door behind him, allowing a sigh of relief to escape his lungs.

The bathroom was just as lavish as the bedroom; no expense had been spared and even though he hated spending time naked, he chose to forgo the shower for a good bath.

His body needed a good scrubbing and his sore muscles could do with a soak. The creep had already seen him naked so he might just as well make a good use of the room. At least he had privacy for now.

His fingers twitched; he wanted to see if he could lock the room but he needed to appear as if he believed the crazy idea that they were intimately involved and locking the bathroom would contradict that.

He poured something flowery smelling into the tub and he got in while the water was slowly rising.

When the water was nearly high enough that he could drown himself he used his toes to turn off the tap, closing his eyes to allow himself to relax for a few minutes.

His mind though had other ideas and eventually he had to accept the fact that unless a miracle happened, he was going to have to allow Charlie to touch him, maybe even fuck him because he couldn’t allow the man to become suspicious.

He didn’t like it; it wouldn’t be rape because he would agree to it but it would be under duress and the only way to console himself was to allow his mind to supply him with images of Charlie's neck strung up on a rope.

He wondered if he should be worried about the violence of his thoughts and about the fact that violence was apparently second nature to him.

What kind of man did that make him?

For now, he was someone desperate to keep himself alive and he figured, carpe diem and all. Seize the day…and worry about the future when it happened.

##

Days passed and with every passing day, Steve had to fight the urge to lash out. Thankfully though his meek and submissive routine was working because not only was Charlie giving him more liberties but also some of the guards were smiling indulgently at him.

He hadn’t tried to pretend to be mentally challenged but apparently he hadn’t been able to help himself.

It wasn’t so much that he was playing stupid but innocent comments about colors and flowers had Charlie convinced that he wasn’t fully there – mentally speaking.

Even though it irked Steve to no end he allowed that notion to continue because even though he hadn’t intended it, it gave him more freedom because no one thought that he was dangerous.

It had taken a long kiss and some fondling for Charlie to allow him to leave the room and now every afternoon he was allowed to enter the garden on his own.

Guards were everywhere and even though he was alone he knew that he was never out of sight. Still, he pretended not to be aware of anything while he secretly kept track of everything.

It was bloody exhausting and every night his head ached and there was nothing he could do about it.

Thankfully his sketches weren’t too bad so that he was allowed to keep at it. Of course his motives left a lot to be desired because frankly how much enthusiasm could anyone fake over half dead flowers?

It wasn’t the dead of the winter anymore so a few spring flowers and winter sturdy bushes were around to serve as muses but honestly if Steve never saw a freaking flower for the rest of his life he would be a happy man.

Still, pretending to love flowers and wanting to draw them gave him an excuse to leave the room and drawing the garden allowed him to leave hidden marks inside the drawings, indicating where the guards where and the times they changed.

He used dead bushes as an indication for cameras and those tiny white flower things as indicators for guards.

The rest was just fantasy with just enough reality in it that he could claim he was seeing the inner spirits of flowers or some sort of nonsense. Apparently it fooled Charlie which was really all that he was asking for.

After yet another afternoon of drawing, Steve padded out of the bathroom, steam following him, a towel hanging loosely around his hips.

When he saw Charlie sitting on the bed in a robe his step faltered and a stone materialized out of nowhere in the pit of his stomach.

Still, he feigned ignorance because apparently that was who he was now. Someone pretty to look at while not all that smart.

There were times when Charlie was looking at him carefully, trying to judge if Steve was for real and so far Steve had always managed to convince him that he believed what the creep had said.

Charlie seemed to have known him in his previous life and even though he had no proof of it, Steve was quite convinced that the man was responsible for him ending up on the streets.

There were a few comments here and there, especially lately that told him that his suspicion was right.

“I don’t want to wait any longer,“ Charlie said while holding out his hand, allowing his robe to fall open.

Steve’s mouth hung open when a rock hard cock was revealed, already curling upwards towards the man’s belly.

If you ignored the madness in the man’s eyes, it could be argued that he wasn’t ugly.

Still, the shiver that ran over Steve’s body had nothing to do with lust or even interest, instead it was pure revulsion and the need to run from the room as if the devil was after him.

He didn’t do any of that though; instead he lowered his head, allowing his towel to fall to the ground. Then he slowly walked towards the man, allowing him to pull him to the bed and to shove him face forward onto the bed.

“No need to be scared,“ the creep said in a honey tone of voice that had Steve closing his eyes, pretending to be somewhere warm with the water breaking on the shore while he nursed a cool beer.

He dissociated himself as much as he could but when his body started to react to what was being done to him, he had to bite his lip to stop any sort of tears from escaping.

He was a man, he could take this and if he got something out of it, then all the better, right?

When Charlie was done and his now flaccid cock left Steve’s body, he pretended to be exhausted.

He had come not too long ago, his body had enjoyed the experience and there had been little to no pain.

He was convinced though that he had never done this before because nothing at all had felt familiar. That couldn’t be a bulletproof indication that he hadn’t taken it up the ass before but he had gotten quite good with deciphering what his body remembered and what it didn’t, and he was quite sure that this had been new.

Or maybe not because there was a vague shadow there, trying to rise and with dread, an almost cry on his lips, Steve forced his eyes shut, blocking a memory from reaching the surface.

Whatever that had been had been ugly and he swallowed hard, allowing his body to go limp as Charlie moved him around, pulling him into a quick embrace.

“That was good.” The man said with a smug tone and Steve only nodded, not protesting when he was cleaned up.

He flinched when the towel reached his anus but he didn’t protest any further and eventually Charlie pulled the covers up, leaving him in peace.

He hoped the creep was clean because if he came away from this with some sort of disease he would find a way to resurrect the man so that he could chop of his most private parts.

And on second thought, before putting a bullet through his head he might do that anyway.

Now he felt a little bit better and there was even a little smirk on his handsome face when he drifted off to sleep.

It was always good to have something to look forward to.

##

Days turned into weeks and even though Charlie didn’t come to him every night, he still came to Steve’s bed more often than not.

Steve never protested but he also didn’t actively participate and thankfully Charlie seemed to accept that this was how it should be.

He was busy marking one final guard on his new painting, chewing on a second pencil when the bushes in front of him rattled.

“Don’t look up!” a voice that was both familiar and foreign at the same time whispered at him and Steve had no idea what had him complying but he did so without questioning it.

He kept his head lowered, tinkering away on his pad while he slowly raised his eyes.

Blue eyes stared back at him and even though he couldn’t see the man’s face all that clearly, a jolt of recognition flared through him.

This was the blond man, his partner, from his flashes and the feeling of wrong that so often plagued him before got replaced by this is right.

“We’re going to get you out of here.” The man hurriedly said and in a slight panic Steve shook his head, hissing at the stranger to stay put.

The man blinked in confusion but thankfully he didn’t move out of the bush. How he had gotten there in the first place was beyond Steve but now wasn’t the time to ask pointless questions. The blond man was there, ready to do something stupid because the moment he would come out of the bush he would get shot and then Steve would be stuck in this place with no way out.

“Here…”He shoved the pad towards the blond man, pointing at the flowers, saying, “You can’t come out here because they would see you.”

He was pointing at the white flowers which name he still didn’t know and when his blue eyes locked with the stranger’s all he got was wide eyes and an open mouth. He frowned, looking down at his drawings because while he wasn’t a Picasso, the flowers at least did resemble the thing that was growing in the garden and really, who was he to critique his map?

“Uhm, Steve…”the man said slowly as if his mind was racing a mile a minute making strange connections that Steve honestly wasn’t sure he wanted to know, “I don’t think the flowers are going to mind.”

It was now Steve’s turn to leave his mouth hanging open slightly because seriously, what was the man talking about?

“Look, “Steve managed to hiss as quietly as he could, stabbing at the flowers, “As far as I know I’ve got at least two guards trained on me all time and at least one of them has a rifle. There are cameras everywhere and the only small window of opportunity for anyone to sneak out, “ and after a quick glance at the man whose name he should know but still didn’t, he amended, “or sneak in, is in about ten minutes when I will be escorted back in. This guy here, “he was once again pointing at another white flower, “has a new girlfriend and he always sneaks away a few minutes early so the entrance here, “He was pointing at what he assumed would be roses in summer, “is uncovered.”

He wasn’t expecting praise or anything but when he looked up at the blond man he still found him staring at him as if he had lost his mind. He shifted uncomfortably because while using flowers and bushes as code for his map sucked, he still thought that his idea had been a good one

He had made it this far without being found out, hadn’t he?

“I’m so going to have you checked out one we get you out of here,“ the blond man mumbled before adding, clearly not aware that there wasn’t anything wrong with Steve’s ears because he could hear him clearly, “You’ve somehow managed to get even more crazy while you were out of my sight…I hope you didn’t hit your head too hard…”

Steve narrowed his blue eyes, his lips pursed because a burning retort was on the tip of his tongue when a branch cracked behind him and he suddenly found himself pretending that the expanse of dirt and meager, slightly dead looking grass was of great importance to him.

He could hear the bush rattling but when his guard showed up, slightly tapping him on the shoulder to tell him to get a move on, the blond man was nowhere to be seen.

He gathered his things without complaining and meekly followed the bulky man, keeping his head low while his eyes searched the garden, looking for any clue that there were more men hiding in the bushes.

That thought had him almost smiling, a familiar smirk on his face that faded quickly because his partner wasn’t there to comment on it.

Steve of course wasn’t consciously aware of it, like with so many things lately.

##

By the time he was once again locked inside his plush room, pretending that there wasn’t anything wrong at all he still felt slightly indignant that the blond man had mocked his map.

He scrunched up his face, spreading out the drawings to make sure that he was familiar with all the entry and exit points. He had no idea what was going to happen but the tiny hairs at the back of his neck were standing up, telling him that the air was charged all around him and that something was going to happen very soon.

He didn’t move when the door opened because he could tell from the footsteps in the hall that it was Charlie. It was rare that the man wanted Steve in his bed in the afternoon but it had happened before so Steve briefly closed his eyes, stealing himself for what was to come.

He had made it this far; rescue was on its way so surely he would be able to tolerate Charlie’s unwanted touching for just a little while longer.

And there was always his fantasies that kept him asleep at night where he got to use a knife to carve interesting things into Charlie’s body while he screamed and twisted underneath him.

He had the sneaking suspicion that thinking like that wasn’t healthy but it was the only thing that kept him sane, the only reason why he wasn’t lashing out, making his life a living hell and if he ever made it out of here, he could deal with the fall out because he had the impression that this was simply who he was.

He could take it; stoically and all and if he pretended long enough everything would go back to normal, whatever normal was.

He was moving a split second before gunfire erupted, unaware that his instincts had kicked in, telling him that whatever was going to happen was going to happen now so when he heard his name screamed by a stranger, yet familiar man he wasn’t surprised when Charlie grabbed him, twisting him until a knife was pressed to his throat.

Charlie liked to be armed; it wasn’t as if the man seriously expected Steve to put up a fight but he always came armed into his room and there were times when Steve felt slightly proud of that because it could only mean that on some level Charlie was still wary around him.

It was a balm for his ego even if he didn’t quite know why.

“Let him go you son of a bitch,“ the blond man hissed, his body was curled in anger with the gun pointing at them. His blue eyes were narrowed to steely slits and his hand wasn’t wavering in the slightest.

Still, Steve thought, calculating his chances, if he took a chance and started shooting, he would get his throat slit long before Charlie was dead.

However Steve wasn’t some helpless virgin; when he had moved he had swiped a butter knife from the nearby table and while a butter knife wasn’t necessarily a weapon to be proud of, all he really needed to do was to distract Charlie so that he could duck and then the blond man could shoot him.

However that wasn’t quite how it all played out.

“What did you do to my partner, you sick fuck?” the blond man was shouting and Steve really wished that he knew his name because his head was starting to hurt slightly by thinking about him without having a name to go with his face.

Memories moved around in his head, twirling and swirling, prompted by the man’s presence but apart from confusing him and making his head hurt, nothing really came of it.

He could feel Charlie leering behind him; his free hand was moving suggestively lower until his fingers snaked under the waistband of Steve’s jeans.

The blond man’s eyes widened slightly before an even crazier look seemed to take over. Steve couldn’t help chuckling softly because not too long ago the man had mumbled something about Steve being crazy but clearly, he wasn’t the only nut job in this strange partnership.

“Look out!” Steve suddenly shouted, hearing a familiar creak in the wooden floorboards and his partner was just in time to turn around and fire his weapon when another guard burst into the room.

Steve felt Charlie grip him tighter and he didn’t need to be told that if Charlie couldn’t keep Steve for himself then he would make sure no one ever got to have him so Steve twisted and moved, burying the butter knife in Charlie’s thigh.

The man screamed and Steve was already on the move, his body twisting gracefully while his hands reached out, grabbing the knife out of Charlie’s hands.

The fight that followed was quick because Charlie might be good and Steve might be rusty but all his pent up anger and hatred went into everything he did and moments later, Charlie was lying on the floor with the knife buried in the pit of his stomach.

With grim satisfaction Steve kneeled on the floor and he was tempted to reach out and taste the blood to make sure that he wasn’t hallucinating.

It was a seriously fucked up thought but after being in this man’s grasp for who knew how long with no memory of who he really was, Steve was honestly not bothered by cutting himself some slack.

“Why did you do it?” he asked, watching as the slight slowly faded in Charlie’s eyes, marveling that the man still managed to look crazy even though he was nearly dead.

“You were mine from the moment I saw you.” Charlie mumbled, “I had to make sure, I had to test you…and I was right…”

Steve frowned; he didn’t know what tests the man was referring to but he had the sneaking suspicion that it might have something to do with how he had ended up on the streets with no memory of who he really was.

Answers might be nice but he wasn’t going to loose any sleep over it. The man clearly had been crazy and even though he doubted that he was all that sane himself, it was probably a good sign that he wasn’t able to understand the crazy motive behind his kidnapping at all.

Either way when a hand suddenly grabbed his shoulders, he tensed, ready to lash out again when suddenly he was being hugged and a familiar smell engulfed him.

“Danno…”he whispered, the name rising from the depths of him mind and his reward was to be held tighter before his knees buckled and darkness claimed him.

5

He blinked back into existence in the back of an ambulance and for a moment panic coursed through his body before he felt his hand being gripped tightly and then he decided that if Danno was here, it would be alright.

Danno was a strange name and surely not the man’s correct given name but he hadn’t disputed it yet so it must be a good thing that he had remembered that much.

What he was still unclear on though was why he had passed out but when darkness lulled him under again, it wasn’t much more than a passing afterthought.

##

He woke again to a beeping sound that he immediately identified as some monitor in the hospital and when he opened his eyes, it was with a frown.

He wasn’t aware that he had been in injured so he didn’t know why he was in a hospital. He wanted to be out on his own, not cooped up in a new place and while he knew that no one was going to lock the door and keep him here, his skin still started to itch with the need to get out.

He was on his way to halfway sitting when he noticed Danno sleeping in a chair nearby. Steve looked probably just as startled as he felt when the sleeping man suddenly burst into frantic motion, shoving Steve back onto the bed while making what could be consider cooing sounds.

Steve’s blue eyes narrowed further until he roughly shoved Danno away to make his point.

“Let go of me, “he hissed and for a moment Danno froze in mid move before his hands fell to his sides, looking like a kicked puppy.

Steve fought the urge to say that he was sorry so instead he just raised an eyebrow, waiting for some explanation.

“You fainted.” The blond man said and Steve’s eyebrow rose higher because seriously? He might not be able to remember who he was but he most certainly wasn’t someone who fainted!

“Apparently you were low on blood sugar or something, “Danny continued talking rapidly as if he was afraid that if he didn’t get it all out, Steve would bolt and truthfully, the itch was still there on his skin but for now he ignored it.

“You nearly died before and you didn’t recover quite as well as you might’ve thought and the strain…well, it was too much.”

Steve felt affronted and he must have looked it because Danno started to shrug, looking uncomfortable himself.

A doctor showed up not much later, basically using a lot of medial terms to tell him the same thing.

Steve’s immune system was on the fritz because his recovery had been anything but restful and complete and he was told that he would need to take a few more antibiotics and vitamins but that in the end he would be just fine.

Steve didn’t like having to accept that he might have done something as horrible as actually faint for real but he couldn’t deny that he had been tired all the time and that he had known something was off long before he had fallen on his face.

He had always thought that this was simply because he was always thinking about ways to get out and about ways to kill Charlie but maybe it hadn’t been only his imagination that had tired him out, maybe it had been because he hadn’t yet fully recovered from nearly dying of pneumonia.

He was cleared to go soon enough and after taking a long shower, Steve gladly put on the clothes that Danno had left for him.

“You need to come down to the local police station and answer some questions…”Danno said, looking unhappy as if this wasn’t something that Steve had coming.

“I don’t mind,“ Steve shrugged because even though he had no clue what procedures there were to follow he damn sure knew that there were some that he couldn’t get out of.

“Your name isn’t really Danno, is it?” he asked when Danno ushered him out of the room, a hand on the small of Steve’s back and only because it didn’t feel so bad did Steve let Danno get away with it.

“What do you mean?” Danno suddenly stopped and Steve found himself turned around. “I mean, what kind of name is Danno?” he asked again, his head titled to the side.

“You don’t know my full name?” Danno asked, his voice rising while his eyes seemed to get wider and wider.

Steve shrugged, “Don’t get your panties in a twist, “he tried to reassure him,” It’s not as if I know my last name either…”

Danno’s mouth hung open and before Steve could say anything further, the man was shouting, screaming basically for a doctor to come here right this very minute and Steve honestly had to fight motion sickness while he was being carted off for some more tests.

He wished that he had simply kept his mouth shut and what irked him the most was that he still didn’t know Danno’s real name.

##

Hours later he had his face planted on a cool table in what he suspected was an interrogation room of sorts. There was one table in the room with two chairs and a huge mirror that didn’t fool anybody.

He snorted into the table while resting his head on his arm.

He had finally learned that he was Steve McGarrett, ex SEAL and apparently the leader of a special task force in Hawaii and that Danno was actually called Danny Williams and that he was his partner. He had briefly seen a young, beautiful woman named Kono who was also on his team and another man named Chin who had only nodded to him but whose nod had conveyed a lot more emotions than Danny ever managed to convey while ranting.

Danny…he turned the name around in his head, liking how it sounded and he smiled a soft smile thinking that even though he liked Danny, Danno still seemed to be a better for the quickly irritable blond man.

There was a story there, Steve knew and he was sure that he should know it but right now, apart from a few flashes and feelings of right, right, right nothing new was coming to him.

One of the countless doctors who had examined him had assured him that it wasn’t uncommon for a raging fever to temporarily burn away memories but that this was rarely permanent and the only reason why nothing had come back to him yet was probably because he hadn’t been exposed to anything familiar.

Considering that he had found himself in Washington State kidnapped by some deranged billionaire and kept as his love toy Steve found that he agreed. Hawaii conjured up images of warm, balmy summer days followed by waves crashing on sand while all he could really see was a blue sky.

So clearly, nothing compared to the cold weather he had been forced to endure recently.

He was well aware that it was no longer a secret that he had been sexually intimate with the man holding him captive and while he would’ve liked this to be something private, so far no one had tried to bring it up to his face and he kind hoped that it would stay that way.

And besides, he had only submitted to the lunatic in order to stay alive and contrary to what the doctor had mumbled it hadn’t been rape.

He might not remember much but he knew that rape involved screaming and fighting and generally saying no and he hadn’t done any of the sort. Granted, he might have said no in his head and it might not have been something that he had actually wanted but it hadn’t been unpleasant and he had come almost every time Charlie had touched him.

In the grand scheme of things he honestly couldn’t complain about having been mistreated but he had the sneaking suspicion that not everyone would agree with him there and frankly he thought the best way to get back to normal – whatever that was for him - was to pretend that it had never happened and move on.

He sighed, rubbing his head on his arm.

If they would only get on with it so that he could get out of here…

##

Danny found himself almost mesmerized by the way Steve was resting on the table; his face buried in his arms, his dark messy hair standing up in every direction while his long, lean body was slouching on the chair.

The hair was slightly longer now, seemingly inclined to curl and wave at the ends and it had somehow softened Steve’s look. Not that he would ever call the man innocent but there was a new air of vulnerability around him that kept throwing Danny for a loop.

But that wasn’t anything new. From the moment they had met, Steve had been an puzzle wrapped up in yet another puzzle while pretending that what you saw was what you got.

Nothing could be further from the truth and right now he got to see a totally different side to Steve that the oh so controlled and composed former SEAL would have never shown before. Now Steve didn’t know any better and apparently he saw nothing wrong with napping on an interrogation table.

Then again he could see his old partner doing the same thing in order to irritate whoever was waiting to talk to him.

Of course Steve wasn’t in any trouble but the press had sort of gotten wind that Steve McGarrett had been located and after getting him out of the hospital the police station had been the only place Danny had thought it safe to stash Steve until they could take the plane back home.

Home…Danny startled because this was the first time he actually thought of the pineapple infested island as his home and with wide eyes he gulped, sucking in air because it was true.

When he hadn’t been looking Hawaii had become home to him and in a way, his friends had become his new family and Steve, well Steve was a major part of it.

The governor had graciously lent him her private jet, not even batting an eyelash when Danny had followed Steve’s o Seattle and right now he was really grateful for that because it would allow them to get back home quickly. And it would give Steve more privacy then a commercial flight ever could.

Chin and Kono had joined him when Steve had gone missing from the hospital but now the entire team was going to be able to go back home.

Home...Danny sighed, seeing nothing but pineapples in his future. He would get used to it, he was sure.

Not that the disappearance of McGarrett had been newsworthy for long but it had been noteworthy that the head of the Hawaii Five 0 task force had gone missing and now his reappearance months later was going to ensure that for a few days at least, the reporters were going to circulate like vultures.

Danny and the others were doing their best to keep the details of Steve’s capture under wraps but unfortunately Danny was jaded enough to know that the likelihood of what had happened getting out was very high.

He hoped for the best though because memory or no memory he couldn’t see that it would do Steve any good if it were to become known that he had been held captive and…Danny couldn’t even think the word because it made his stomach do flip flops and not the good kind.

When he had first found out he had actually dashed to the nearest bathroom emptying his stomach and the ever composed Chin had looked as if he wanted to do the same thing.

Kono though had surprised him because apart from blinking away tears she had only tensed, getting a really creepy and steely look on her face that had made Danny wonder if she maybe had spent too much time with Steve already and was starting to take on his more scarier side by osmosis.

After he was done emptying his stomach, the rage that had rolled over him had been not surprising but the extent had been unexpected. His fingers practically twitched with wanting to resurrect the man who had taken Steve and then he wanted to kill him by shooting him in the head, then resurrect him again and maybe try something new.

He frowned, because this was more Steve side of things than his but he was certain that if he put his mind to it he could come up with more interesting ways to make someone die than simply shooting him in the head.

Still, Charlie Mason was dead and they would probably never know for sure why he had taken Steve. Closure was a good thing but frankly Danny would consider himself content if Steve came out of this undamaged.

Well, he amended thoughtfully, undamaged was probably too much to ask for since he had never been sane to begin with but he would settle for getting the old Steve back in all his horrible glory.

He smiled softly because yes, he might give Steve hell about his tendency to leap into danger and thrive on it but after months without the man, he had come to realize that having a Steve shaped hole in his heart wasn’t something that he liked.

He still worried though and he wasn’t the only one.

“Is he going to be alright?” Danny said quietly and the woman who was the shrink that had been recommended to talk to them and to Steve answered, “Everyone deals with trauma differently…”

And Danny only balled his fingers into fists because he hated when people didn’t give him any facts. Shrinks were particularly useless he had come to realize and the only reason why he wasn’t giving any out to her was because he knew that it wouldn’t get him anywhere.

“What Danny means is, what should we expect when he starts dealing with what happened?” Kono tried to inject and this time Danny couldn’t stop himself from snorting because really? “Seriously?” he said out loud, still not taking his eyes off of Steve who hadn’t moved in a while, “Do you really expect Steve to deal with it? His MO is to ignore and move and memory or no memory I don’t think that’s changed.”

Chin only coughed but no one contradicted him for a while.

Eventually the woman spoke, “That is understandable and not unexpected.”

Danny narrowed his eyes because if she didn’t give him something more concrete to go on soon on how to help his partner than he was going to lose the reigns he had put on his temper and he wasn’t so sure that screaming at her would help him get any answers.

He pitied the next person though who would get in his way because his pent up anger and frustration had to go somewhere and unlike people he knew, he dealt with his emotions by venting them.

It was much more sane, if you asked him, than storing them up and then bursting into balls of energy every time someone took shots at him, like Steve, or speeding on a bike without an helmet until he almost broke the sound barrier, like Chin, or like Kono losing herself in the waves like that would solve everything.

But maybe out of all of them, the coping mechanisms Kono had adopted seemed to be the least harmful one so maybe she was on to something. Not that Danny would ever consider taking up surfing but maybe picking up a sport would help.

Then again, did he really need the exercise? On a good day he spent all his time chasing after Steve and on a bad day he did the same so really, more sport seemed kind of like overkill.

He was thrust out of his thoughts by the woman continuing, “However after the brief talk I had with Commander McGarrett he confided in me that he was already remembering a few things…”

From the astonished gasps around her, she obviously felt the need to amend that quickly because she hurriedly added, “Nothing concrete but it only confirms that once he gets back into more familiar territory he will probably start to remember his life very soon.”

Danny hoped that because like this he had no clue what to expect from Steve and since he couldn’t watch the man twenty four seven he honestly didn’t want to add more worry to his thoughts. He was already worried enough, thank you very much.

“He might be fine now with the sexual abuse that happened to him because he doesn’t know any better. He doesn’t have any other point of reference so he is able to shrug it off more easily. But once he starts to remember his former life he will have to deal with the fact that even though he didn’t try to fight the man off, it was still rape.”

Danny sucked in his breath because every time that word came up, his stomach balled up into knots while his vision started to dim until he almost literally saw red. Rape was never anything anyone could easily deal with but knowing what happened and knowing that it had happened to Steve were two totally different things.

And with growing dread he was finally understanding what the shrink was trying to tell them. He wished she had just come out and said it in plain English but it didn’t matter.

Steve had always liked to be in control; in many ways being in charge had been essential for him. It was something that Danny had always admired about the guy and the role of victim wasn’t something that he would have ever associated with him. And Steve would’ve probably never thought about it either because even without his gun he would know how to kill a person ten different ways and the idea that anyone could overpower him and seriously hurt him was almost ludicrous.

However no one was invincible and that memo obviously hadn’t made it to Steve yet.

And once that bubble burst, there would be hell to pay because there was no way that his hell raising partner would be able to tolerate that someone had held him captive and made him submit.

That wasn’t going to end well and for a moment Danny found himself actually hoping that Steve would never regain his memory.

It might make things easier but life obviously didn’t work this way.

6

Steve let out a long suffering sigh when he relaxed into the plane’s seats. The last few hours had been annoying and bothersome but it obviously had been unavoidable.

Thankfully Danny had been the one to do the interview with a local police officer sitting in because sadly they hadn’t been able to cut out the local PD entirely. The case had happened in their jurisdiction and that had been it. They had been cut a lot of slack though because after spending an afternoon filling out forms and answering annoying questions they had been allowed to leave and head back home.

Home…Steve still wasn’t so sure what to do about that because regardless of pleasant feelings that came with the thought he couldn’t really picture it yet.

He also couldn’t be sure if what he saw in his mind was due to some commercials he had seen or if they were real memories because without any point of reference, beaches, mountains covered in tropic trees and sand looked all the same.

“Your sister said she’ll see about getting a flight out as soon as she can.” Chin patted him on the shoulder and Steve sent a small smile his way while the thought turned loops in his head.

He had a sister?

Why hadn’t anyone told him that?

Probably because it was the sort of thing that no one expected you to forget he thought with a little venom and then he closed his eyes again.

He would deal; it was apparently what he did best.

##

The talk with the shrink in the police station had been mortifying and he seriously wished that he would never have to do it again. The card with the telephone number he should use when he got home got lost almost immediately and he had no intention of ever visiting another shrink again.

What was there to talk about anyway?

He knew what happened. He wasn’t going to deny that he had been more or less forced into having sex with his captor and talking about it wasn’t going to change that. He hadn’t screamed, he hadn’t fought back because knowing that there were armed men out there, ready to subdue if you did, kind of was enough to take the sails out of anyone.

He wondered though if the old him would have put up a fight anyway, consequences be dammed but he thought if the shrink was right and he would start to remember soon then he would find out anyway.

He wasn’t proud of what he had done and the shame of it actually churned his stomach so not thinking about it and moving on sounded like the thing to do.

He wasn’t in denial but since it was in the past, he had gotten away with his life and the crazy man was dead, there really weren’t any loose ends that he needed to worry about.

That occasionally the shadows in his mind flickered, giving him a quick glimpse of memories that looked years older than he was now was didn’t help settle his mind either.

Whatever was buried there, lurking beneath the waves was probably not meant to surface because even after only getting glimpses, the dread and fear that came with it was almost enough to have him curl up into a tight ball and seriously, that wasn’t something he was ever going to do.

If he ever did that he would throw himself off the nearest bridge and be done with it because no. He wasn’t going there.

He could feel Danny settling in the seat nearby and when his friend’s knee accidentally touched his, Steve couldn’t prevent the slight flinch that followed.

Steve sighed; this was going to be harder than he had thought when an innocent touch from a good friend was going to send him twitching.

##

 

“This is home…” Danny said while pulling up in front of a rather nice looking house.

“Hm…”

Steve got out of the car, slowly walking up to the front door.

The landing and the formalities had been taken care of quickly and after Chin and Kono had excused themselves, taking on the part of filling out the next step in the paperwork trail for him, Danny had agreed to drive him home.

Of course if Danny hadn’t done that Steve would’ve never found the place but obviously there had been no need to point that out.

“It’s nice…”he said slowly and when Danny rolled his eyes, patting him on his shoulders Steve flashed him a quick smile.

He was handed a key and once on the inside he looked around.

“Yes?” Danny barked into the phone and Steve ignored him, walking over to the windows that gave him a good view of the beach behind the house.

A soft smile was on his lips because yes, he had remembered that and it gave him hope that eventually he would be able to pick up his life where he had left off.

Getting off the plane, smelling the familiar humid air had helped him with forming a resolution.

The darkness was still lurking inside his mind, almost like an evil shadow waiting to strike but he was a SEAL. For one he was sure he didn’t back down from a fight or a challenge and he wasn’t going to start fearing what was in his own mind. And more importantly if he had been able to deal with his memories before, and from all accounts he had been quite successful with his life, then he saw no reason why he wouldn’t be able to do it again.

And of course he would have unpleasant memories because who hadn’t? Having been in the military he had probably done things that normal people would never think about and having to remember them anew wasn’t going to be easy but it was also who he was and in order to get that back, he was going to have to accept all of it.

“Steve?”

Steve startled a little bit but he was proud to note that it didn’t show.

“I’ve got to get going…”Danny said with an apologetic tone. “With you gone for so long, I kind of took over your job…”

Steve turned around, rolling his eyes, “Of course, it makes sense.” He assured the blond man because he could see that Danny thought he wouldn’t like that.

“Anyway, they need me to tie things up and the governor wants to talk to me…”

“Just go, I’ll be fine, “Steve reassured him but Danny didn’t look convinced.

“Look, if you need anything, here’s my address…” he scribbled something on a notepad that he found on the table leaving it there.

Steve didn’t point out that the address wasn’t going to help him because he hadn’t seen a car parked outside and even if there had been, he had no clue what the address to his own home was so how was he supposed to find Danny?

“There’s my phone number there too but I’ve got your cell here…”he rummaged around in a nearby drawer, producing a phone.

“I’m on speed dial.”

“Did you put yourself there?” Steve couldn’t help but ask and Danny practically shoved the phone into his hands, “No, of course not. You put me there with the most annoying ring tone ever which by the way I took the liberty of changing.”

Then the blond man huffed and stormed out the house leaving Steve with a smirk on his face.

He couldn’t remember the ring tone he had allocated to Danny’s number but he was certain that with enough time he could come up with something annoying again.

And frankly, time was something he had in spades right now.

##

It wasn’t all that late when Steve crawled into bed, clad in a soft shirt and loose fitting sweat pants but since he felt tired and overall exhausted he thought nothing of it.

The pillow was soft and the bed felt just right and it was obvious that his body remembered the best places because he found them without knowing what to look for.

With a content sigh he settled in for some much deserved rest.

##

“What did you do to me?”

The words were slurred and even though there was a part of him that knew that this was a dream, Steve could still feel the confusion in his soul.

The world twisted and then he was on lying on his stomach, trying to move his arms but his body was unresponsive while everything seemed to be shrouded in darkness.

It was strange but it felt as if Steve was being split in two. On one hand he could remember what it had felt like being pushed head first into the bed, legs spread and held in place by a drug that had been administered to him in a harmless looking glass of water.

He didn’t know what was happening; he had no reference point because even though he was already fourteen years old, his experiences with the more carnal side of things were limited.

On the other hand he also had an adult understanding of the situation and he knew that this was a friend of his father’s, pressing him into the mattress while getting ready to hurt him.

Even in the dream state he was in he felt confused but fear only took over when he felt something in his ass that wasn’t supposed to be there.

“No!” he shouted or at least he thought he did because everything was so fuzzy, spinning on its edges and he had no clue what he was doing or saying.

He twisted, the fear finally giving him enough strength to partially move his body but a vicious slap to the back of his head had him nearly blacking out, his body went slack again while something kept on stabbing into the entrance to his body.

His mind was reeling because he didn’t know what was happening but he was old enough to decipher the excited grunts and gasps that he heard from behind him and he was most certainly old enough to recognize an erection when he felt one.

He just didn’t understand what any of that had to do with him and when he felt something a lot larger and thicker pressing into him, all that he could think was oh.

Everything made sense now even if the horror of what was happening almost had him passing out on his own.

He had no idea how much time had passed but eventually the pain stopped and when he was turned round again, the flushed face of someone he had once held dear came into focus.

“If you ever speak of this, you’re a dead.”

##

Steve gasped from the pain from years ago and for one dreadful moment two realities overlapped. He could feel the burn in his ass, he could vividly remember the fear and the helplessness he had felt and he was out of the bed, crashing through the bathroom door before he was aware of it.

When his stomach was empty Steve fell to the ground, his body was shaking. He curled in on himself, giving himself a few moments to get his breathing back under control.

Eventually he got up, rinsed his mouth and after taking one look at the bed, he actually bolted from the room.

Looking for shoes or getting properly dressed didn’t even register on his mind. All he wanted to do was get out the house, put as much distance between it and him as he could and even though he had previously claimed not to remember anything, his hands found his car keys and he was already on the way to where he had parked it without being aware of it. Last night the car hadn't been in the parking lot in front of the house and if asked, he wouldn't have been able to tell anyone he had parked down the road. The why would probably always be buried somewhere deep in his mind but frankly, Steve was only operating on instinct now.

He drove in a daze. It probably wasn’t smart to be driving when his mind kept on flashing back to the darkness, feeling the body of the older man pressing down on him, remembering how it had felt when he had moved inside him but thankfully it was the dead of the night and there wasn’t much traffic between his house and Danny’s.

And yes, later on Steve might find it funny but he didn’t even need the address to find Danny’s house because like some sort of homing beacon he drove straight towards it, not getting turned around once.

##

Getting into Danny’s ramshackle apartment wasn’t hard at all because even with slightly shaking hands and still in what could be classified as at least mild panic, Steve still got the door open without Danny being the wiser.

How a police officer could live like this without some basic security was beyond him and he made a mental note to bring it up in the morning. If he could get inside in the state he was in, any half quack criminal could do it too!

He shivered, his legs moved automatically until he more or less crawled into the bed.

Danny was sleeping curled up on his side, obviously years of marriage had conditioned him to do that and right now Steve took advantage of that because it gave him enough room to make himself at home.

The knowledge was simply there and because he was far from thinking rationally right now he didn’t even notice it.

When he closed his eyes, he felt the shadows receding and the rhythmic breaths coming from his partner nearby had him smiling, falling asleep almost instantly.

##

Steve jerked awake almost instantly but instead of the panic he almost expected, the hand riding low on his stomach, slowly trailing lower was comfortable and almost welcome.

His eyes fluttered opened and it took him a few moments to figure out where he was.

He blinked and yes, the situation hadn’t changed.

He was lying on his left side with Danny plastered to his back, his friend’s leg wedged in between Steve’s while one hand was holding Steve close while the other was moving southwards.

It would be easy for Steve to dislodge the man behind him because one sharp twist and Danny would be yelping in pain while Steve would be free.

Instead he found that he didn’t want to move. It felt comfortable to be held and yes, the hand kept on moving further down and it was maybe mildly alarming but Steve had never backed down from anything in his life (at least he liked to think so) and he was honestly curious to figure out if having Danny’s hands on him was going to be as pleasurable as he thought it might be.

“Hm…”the man behind him hummed while his hips jerked forward, bringing a rather sizable erection in contact with Steve’s ass.

“Danny?” Steve whispered because somehow speaking in a hushed tone of voice seemed appropriate.

The man behind him mumbled something and Steve wondered if Danny was even awake.

The rubbing continued and Steve closed his eyes when Danny’s hand finally snaked its way into his sweatpants.

Steve shifted, wiggling his hips until he was able to roll his loose sweatpants further down, giving Danny a better and unrestrained grip on his cock.

His eyelids fluttered shut as butterflies took up residence in the pit of his stomach. His breathing hitched and a fine sheen of sweat started pooling on his forehead.

His hips jerked, pleasure flooding his system and he had to bite his tongue to keep himself from moaning.

Somehow he knew that if he made any sound the spell they were under would be broken and he honestly didn’t want that.

His body yearned for the touch and when Danny mumbled his name, his hot breath ghosting over Steve’s neck, he felt his balls tighten while for a moment the world went white.

He gasped, unable to hold back any sound now and he came with an intensity that he hadn’t experienced before.

Of course his experience was limited so there was no way of knowing if the hand job was really the best one he had ever had but for now, it surely was.

“What…?” Danny mumbled while Steve grinned, slowly untangling himself while using the sheets to dry himself off.

He pulled up his sweatpants, sitting at the edge of the bed and he was more than surprised when Danny suddenly shouted, “Gah!” shoving him off of the bed with enough force that Steve’s head collided with the nearby wall.

“What’s wrong with you?” Steve said accusingly, rubbing his forehead while whirling around. His eyes were blazing because he didn’t much appreciate that the afterglow had been ruined.

“What’s wrong with me?” Danny parroted, his blue eyes were wide and his mouth was  
hanging open and Steve’s answer was an amused snort because Danny’s hair was all over the place, making him look like some sort of hair experiment gone wrong.

“I touched you!” Danny was shouting again and for the first time Steve got an inkling that maybe not everything was alright.

“Yes,” He said slowly, his blue eyes changing from amused to maybe slightly angry and finally settling on confused.

He took a tentative steps towards the man while Danny practically recoiled, nearly falling off the other side of the bed in the process.

“What are you doing in my bed anyway?” The man continued and before Steve could explain that his own house was haunted and that last night he simply had to get out of there, Danny continued, words nearly on top of each other that Steve could only assume it was experience that made him understand what the man was saying.

Though talking would be maybe too nice a word to use to describe what Danny was doing because it was more of a cross between shouting and ranting with arms starting to go wide that Steve was honestly afraid that any moment now Danny might accidentally achieve flight.

“I didn’t mind, “Steve shrugged, thinking that maybe Danny was worried that Steve hadn’t wanted a hand job although honestly he couldn’t come up with a good reason why anyone would object to waking up with an excellent orgasm.

“You didn’t mind?” Danny parroted again, a strange edge to his voice while he suddenly burst into motion, grabbing Steve and shaking him as if there was no tomorrow.

“Get out of here!” Danny was now shoving him towards the door, “You can’t be near me…get out…”

Steve blinked, his blue eyes clouded over with hurt that he honestly hadn’t expected to feel.

Maybe a better man would’ve woken Danny up when he had started touching him but honestly he hadn’t minded and Danny had obviously been thinking about him otherwise he wouldn’t have moaned his name when he had come.

So where was the problem?

They both had wanted it and it had been a pleasant start to the day.

But maybe Danny didn’t want Steve now that he wasn’t quite how he should be. Maybe he was too damaged, too used for someone like Danny and maybe all his partner wanted was a fantasy to jerk off to but not actually the real deal.

The sudden stab of pain as that thought settled in that maybe just because he thought that there was nothing wrong with him didn’t mean that others agreed.

Danny had acted as if he was glad to have Steve back and maybe that was true. The man and his team seemed to have gone through quite some lengths to find him but that didn’t mean that they liked what they had found.

And yes, the shame that was always there, twisting up his insides and sullying anything he tasted broke to the forefront again.

It didn’t matter that he had only done what he needed to do. Maybe that had been wrong. Maybe he should’ve have fought back and gotten beaten to hell because that might have been what the old Steve would’ve done.

Clearly he wasn’t wanted here and even though he felt his heart slowly chip into pieces he wasn’t about to inflict his presence on someone when he clearly wasn’t wanted.

He held Danny’s gaze for a moment and then he turned around, hastily exiting the small apartment.

In his haste to get away he didn’t hear Danny calling his name.

7

He didn’t want to go back to his house because the dark memories were too recent and while his eyes were most certainly not watering because he was crying, it was probably because he was allergic to something.

Men after all didn’t cry.

He sniffed and pulled over. Once again he had no clue where he was but he didn’t care. He parked the car in a small parking lot and the could hear the ocean roaring beyond the white sand that seemed to stretch for miles.

He got out, breathing in the heavy air and he slowly walked towards the beach.

There was no one around so he simply sat down, his toes digging into the sand while he leaned back, resting on his arms.

The sun was shining, warming him from the inside out and maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t so bad at all.

He was alive, he was free and maybe fixating on one person wasn’t such a good idea.

Danny had been his focus point every since he had seen his face in the rattling bush days ago and maybe he was like some sort of small chicken, imprinting on the first person it saw.

He wouldn’t do Danny any services by doing that and it also wouldn’t help him.

But he honestly didn’t have to deal with any of that now. Maybe he was allowed to take some time off, to simply chill and to enjoy the morning sun.

He had nowhere to be and no responsibilities he could remember and with a small smirk playing across his handsome features he decided that maybe he should enjoy that for as long as it lasted.

##

“Steve!” the shout tore Steve out of his lazy daze and he sat upright, nearly jumping out of his skin when someone hauled him onto his feet, hugging him as if there was no tomorrow.

“Uhm…”he said awkwardly, hands rising to pat Danny on his back because he wasn’t so sure what else he should do.

“Don’t you ever do that again!” Danny finally pulled away, the happiness from moments before morphing into a glare and Steve stood his ground.

“I was worried! I thought something might have happened to you!” Danny continued and Steve folded his arms over his chest, raising an eyebrow because really, could this man be any more confusing?

“You told me to get out, “he pointed out logically, “and I did.”

“I didn’t…”Danny spluttered, “Oh, I did….”he seemed to lose some momentum but then he pulled Steve down so that both of them could sit on the sand.

Steve frowned; there was something about Danny and sand but he couldn’t put his finger on it.

“I’m sorry I said those things, “Danny seemed calmer now but the voice still held an edge to it. “You should know that my mouth often gets away from me…”

“But I don’t,” Steve interrupted and for a quiet moment neither man spoke.

“You startled me, “Danny continued, ignoring what Steve had just said.

Steve didn’t particularly want to rehash the events from this morning because Danny had made his position quite clear but obviously the man seemed to have a need to torture himself and others and unless he walked away he didn’t think he could avoid this conversation.

Something told him that he wasn’t the type to run away so he stared ahead, letting Danny talk even though Steve was also quite certain that talking about how he felt wasn’t usually something he did.

Danny seemed to be more the sharing and caring type because he seemed to have a tendency to let his emotions get away from him.

He had the impression that he was more like the quiet type and he smiled fleetingly when the expression still waters run deep came to his mind.

“I didn’t mind, “Steve pointed out helpfully. It was the same thing he had said hours ago but maybe Danny would hear him now.

That didn’t get the intended reaction because Danny seemed to cringe and then deflate.

“I took advantage of you.” He said instead, “That’s the next best thing to molesting you myself…”

“Is there something wrong with you?” Steve found himself asking and honestly he was getting slightly worried because Danny wasn’t making much sense.

“I said I didn’t mind, “Steve repeated, “I could’ve jumped off the bed at any time. I could’ve slugged you, hell, “he said with exasperation, “I could’ve screamed but instead I chose to enjoy the moment…”

“You’re in no frame of mind to decide if you want something or not.”

“Come again?” Steve said slowly, his blue eyes were narrowing because it was now his turn to slowly feel the burn of anger in the pit of his stomach. It wasn’t a fully fledged flame yet, more like a spark and if Danny didn’t tread carefully it would catch fire and then he had no idea what he would do.

Sometimes he felt as if there were so many emotions shimmering under the surface, waiting for the right trigger and even though he wasn’t consciously repressing them, he was aware that when he did erupt it was probably more along the lines of a volcano blowing up half a mountain.

Danny thought didn’t seem to realize the danger he was in because he kept on going, a gentle tone to his voice that set Steve even more on edge, “You might know that what happened to you wasn’t right but all you can remember is someone taking advantage of you and I don’t want to do the same thing. I know that you didn’t want what happened because…”

Steve’s eyes narrowed even further and he balled his fingers into a fist until he thought they would snap. He took a deep breath, reminding himself that Danny cared.

“I’m sorry that I touched you…you didn’t want it and I told you to leave because I wasn’t so sure what else I would do…because…”

It was obvious now from the deflated look on Danny’s face that the man wanted him, might have wanted him for some time and that it was tearing him up inside.

“How dare you…”Steve hissed, getting up. “I’m not brain damaged…”

“I never said…”

“I know what I want and what I don’t want and I made a conscious decision to play along with everything that it entailed.”

When Danny rose, taking a step towards him, Steve lashed out, shoving him backwards.

“I don’t remember if I wanted this before but I sure as hell didn’t mind.”

“But your memory…you might not want…”Danny spluttered and Steve actually growled because he had enough of this.

“Do you think so little of me that once I get my memory back I would quit being your friend over a hand job?” he bit out because seriously if Danny thought he was this kind of person then they had more problems to worry about than he had thought.

“No…!”

“Look, “Steve slowly deflated, his anger draining out of him. He took a deep breath, “Can we just leave it…and see where it goes?”

Danny nodded, “Sure, we can do that…”

Steve sat down again, not wanting to admit that his knees might be a little bit weak and after a few seconds Danny followed his lead.

Their hands touched on the sand and their knees rubbed against each other but neither man moved.

“I’m sorry, “Danny suddenly broke the silence, “Did I mention that my mouth sometimes runs away from me?”

Steve chuckled, nodding, “Yes, you did.”

“Steve?”

“Yes?

“Why did you end up in my bed anyway?”

##

Before Steve could make a conscious decision not to talk about what had happened last night, his mouth was already moving and the words were tumbling out.

“I remembered something, “his voice dropped to a whisper while his head fell forwards.

He wasn’t aware of it but he presented a rather rare vulnerability right this moment that had Danny’s heart racing for all the right and all the wrong reasons.

“Charlie wasn’t the first man to take advantage of me, “Steve forced himself to say. “I remember feelings mostly,“ his voice trailed off before he continued, “I was drugged I think and someone…well…”he struggled for words because this time he couldn’t deny the fact that he had been raped.

Danny though seemed to get the picture because he suddenly went totally still next to Steve which seemed so unnatural that Steve couldn’t help himself, he raised his head, his  
blue eyes were searching for his friend.

“How old were you?”

“I don’t know…fourteen maybe?” Steve offered, shrugging. He had no idea if it was his memory loss that made this so hazy or if it was years of suppression but he had the nagging feeling that it might be a bit of both.

“Did you tell someone about it?” Danny calmly asked and Steve shrugged again.

“I don’t think so,“ he replied, “He said that if I told anyone he would kill me.”

“I see.” Danny’s voice seemed to be devoid of any emotion but Steve could see that this was far from true.

“I think he might’ve been a friend of my father’s, “he continued, knowing that if he stopped now he would probably never speak of it again. “But I can’t be sure…I don’t know ...” his voice trailed off because there wasn’t anything further to say.

“That’s why had to get out of the house?”

Steve nodded, “Yeah, “he confirmed, “I couldn’t stay there and I was at your place before I knew it…”

“Hm…”

Silence followed Danny’s last statement and Steve pursed his lips, his tongue flickered out to wet them.

“I want you to stay at my place,“ Danny suddenly spoke again and Steve’s head snapped back up, his eyes were slightly wide.

“Why?”

“I don’t want you back in that place until you’re sure you can deal with it. You’ve got enough to worry about and I don’t want you freaking out about something that happened a long time ago.”

“I didn’t freak out…”Steve protested indignantly but Danny ignored him, plowing on, “And I can’t be with you all the time…”

“I don’t need a babysitter either!” Steve protested but Danny took all the wind out of his sails when he put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing slightly.

“Humor me on this one, please?”

It was the please and the puppy dog look in his friend’s blue eyes that did it and in the end Steve found himself nodding.

“Sure…for now…”He added because he had no intention of being chased out of his home by memories.

“Thank you…” Danny sounded relieved, “Now let’s get you some proper clothes before someone gets any ideas…”

Steve looked down at himself, frowning.

“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”

Danny rolled his eyes, “You look like someone who just got out of bed and while that’s not necessarily a bad look, you probably would feel more comfortable dressed in your cargo pants.”

Steve’s only answer was to shrug because honestly, as long as he wasn’t running around naked he had no problem walking around dressed as he was.

He wiggled his toes, admitting to himself in the privacy of his own mind that shoes might be a good idea though.

##

Steve turned around, wondering how Danny could stand living in this place. He had no idea what he normally did but surely there would be some DVDs or even board games in his own home while Danny’s home seemed to be bare of almost everything that wasn’t essential.

Danny had dropped him off in a huff, running to the office as if his life depended on it and Steve had the sneaking suspicion that his files were being pulled right this minute.

He had no idea what Danny would find but he was pretty certain that there wasn’t going to be anything there that would collaborate his story.

After taking yet another turn of the apartment he let out a sigh and turned around.

He was in his car, heading towards his home before he could count to ten because enough was enough.

He might have promised Danny to stay away but he hadn’t given any time limit so technically he wasn’t breaking any promises.

He was now wearing beige cargo pants, boots and a shirt, all courtesy of Danny who had deposited Steve in his apartment before driving to Steve’s home to pick up some of his clothes.

Totally unnecessary in Steve’s opinion but he was beginning to be able to decipher Danny’s looks and the one he had sprouted right then was the one that he had started to call the I don’t care what you say I am going to do it anyway look.

And assigning names to certain facial expressions seemed familiar but he had the feeling that before, it had been the other way round.

Or maybe not, who cared?

He parked the car, slowly entering the house as if expecting to be attacked at any moment.

And maybe that was true but his attacker wasn’t going to be a person but memories.

And in a fight, who was to say who would fin and who wouldn’t?

8

Depositing Steve in his tiny apartment had made Danny feel all kinds of things and mostly those feelings had been of the panic kind.

He wasn’t used to Steve being the one who needed help. This wasn’t to say that Steve had been infallible before his abduction and his ordeal but at least the man had always managed to portray a certain kind of confidence that was now absent.

Danny frowned; that wasn’t true either. Steve was far from afraid of his shadow and he most certainly didn’t seem to be lacking any self esteem, but there was no point in denying that in a way, the gigantic stick that had been up his ass before seemed to have ended up removed.

And that thought made him cringe because it was all kinds of wrong to be thinking that way. He was still waiting for the other shoe to drop and he had the feeling that what he had started calling the moment of doom was almost upon them.

Steve might seem more open now; readier to talk than he had been before and in a way more approachable but the real Steve was still in there somewhere and the recent revelations only proved that.

Still, Danny wished that the first memories that had started to come back to his best friend had been of the good kind and not of something dark and horrible.

Danny’s hands were shaking when he logged into the online database, pulling up Steve’s records and of course quite a lot of it was non existent due to his former classified job.

“What are you doing?” Kono leaned across his shoulder, squinting at the screen.

“Just checking up on something,“ Danny tried to dismiss her but of course anyone who was part of their elite little team was not only intelligent but also tenacious and she could smell a lie a hundred yards away.

And honestly, Danny had never been the best liar anyway. Something about how his eyes shifted and how he tensed up – at least according to Rachel – and frankly he had never thought that this was a bad thing until recently.

“Checking up on Steve?” and of course when Kono was around it didn’t take long for her cousin to come out of the woodwork and with a groan Danny resisted the urge to face palm onto the desk.

How could he salvage this?

Steve wasn’t going to appreciate him babbling something to his friends that he had told him in confidence but on the other hand, Steve needed help and the only help that Danny could honestly provide was to make sure that the bastard who had abused him as a teenager paid for it.

Right now he wasn’t concerned with following the law or with arresting the man; those were details that might or might not happen.

If he had learned anything while working with Steve then it was the fact that the law was fluid and that sometimes justice had to win out even if it strictly wasn’t according to what the law said.

Danny debated with himself for a few more seconds before he decided to break Steve’s confidence and ask for help.

“I need you to swear to not repeat this to anyone…”

Kono blinked in surprise and Chin pulled up a chair, nodding sagely in agreement.

“Of course, brah, what do you need?” he said quietly and a few moments later Kono pulled up a chair as well.

Danny pursed his lips, wondering how best to go about it until he simply blurted it all out.

“Steve started to remember something last night and it isn’t good.”

Chin as always was a master in disguising what he felt; his calm face not betraying what he thought but Danny had come to know him quite well and if the tick around his eyes was anything to go by then he had his full attention now.

Kono was less subtle than her cousin but she wasn’t trying to pester him with questions either.

He quickly filled them in on what Steve had told him and he could tell when the implications of it really hit home.

Kono’s eyes got almost impossibly wide and she was rocking back and forth on her chair until she got, walking up and down the room, wringing her hands.

Chin was more contained and composed but the tenseness in his body told Danny that both of his friends were going to be on board with this.

“We can’t seriously build a case now, “Danny continued, “and Steve’s patchy memory would ensure that the case never even got a chance in court…”

“And there’s the question as to why Steve never made any noise about it until now,“ Kono interrupted, causing Danny to roll his eyes.

“Of course not,“ he sighed, “I can’t imagine that a fourteen year old Steve would’ve confided in his father, not with the guy being his father’s friend. And years later Steve’s probably repressed it to hell, focusing his energy on being the best at his SEAL training…”

“And he’s only talking about it now because he can’t remember shit from his former life…” Kono concluded causing Danny to nod.

“Do you think Steve will be able to ID the guy?” Chin asked out of the blue, stopping Danny in his tracks.

“I don’t know,“ he said, “And I’m not sure that I want Steve to know that we’re looking into this…”

“Why?” Chin looked at him curiously and Danny gathered his thoughts before answering, “He’s got enough to deal with. And if I tell him that we’re looking into it, he’d want to be a part of the investigation and he so isn’t ready to deal with any more shit right now.”

“And if he’s part of it, there might be more questions and the last thing Steve needs right now is for word to get out that this might have happened to him before…” and after a moment Kono added,“ I’ve had a friend who was raped and then during the court case the asshole of a lawyer told people that her father had abused her sexually as a child, he managed to twist it around, making it look as if she had somehow managed to ask for it.”

Chin nodded in agreement while Danny’s mouth hung open in outrage,“ That’s horrible,“ he was getting ready to gear up into a rant on the defence of someone he had never met when with a hand on his shoulder Kono stopped him from speaking.

“Yes, that’s horrible but that’s how the world works. You’ve heard what some people are saying for Steve playing along, buying us the time to find him…” Kono added and Danny nodded, sharing a heated look with Chin.

There had been a few people around saying nasty things about Steve and how he could’ve escaped at any time if he had wanted it. And by their reasoning Steve had wanted to stay kidnapped and be a sex slave to the millionaire who had taken an unhealthy interest in him.

That wasn’t right but it was how things worked. Steve’s no nonsense attitude got things done and there was no one daring to say that their task force wasn’t effective but attacking Steve personally was a totally different ball game and right now, it was open hunting season.

There weren’t many people with nasty wagging tongues but there were enough and with time, those tongues would surely see that their time could be employed with a different task, Danny, Chin and Kono would make sure of that but if they got more fuel then there was no chance of Steve ever getting any respect again.

It helped that they had the governor on their side; her support had truly been amazing but even she couldn’t change the minds of some narrow-minded people who hadn’t yet understood the concept that just because someone wasn’t screaming, it could still be considered rape.

The lines might be a bit blurry but they were still there. And Steve hadn’t wanted to sleep with the man, he had been forced and he had done the only thing he knew how to stay alive.

His head injury hadn’t helped and when he had laid eyes on Steve for the first time in months he had actually been afraid that the guy had done himself some serious harm. He had been drawing flowers after all!

Steve McGarret, badass SEAL drawing tiny flowers!

Danny shuddered; that image still gave him nightmares.

“If we do this, then we need to be absolutely sure that we’ve got the right guy,“ Kono pointed out and she got a pointed look from both Danny and Chin because there was no if to be had here.

She laughed,“ Alright guys, take it easy.”

“I might be able to help,“ Chin suddenly said, “I knew Steve in high school and worked with his father. Give me a few hours to sort through some old photos and I’ll see if I can narrow it down.”

“He said friend of his father’s?” Kono piped in and Danny nodded.

“So he’s most likely a cop then….” she concluded and yes, that should’ve occurred to Danny.

“If there are any medical files on Steve from that age they would probably be sealed…” Danny mused but Kono shook her head, “I don’t think he went to the hospital. They would’ve had to report that. There’s no chance they would’ve let it slide and I don’t think that his father would’ve ignored it either.”

“No, he wouldn’t have.” Chin said with conviction and Danny had to take his word for it because he hadn’t really known the man at all.

“He might have done it before though,“ Danny thought out loud, “I mean, I doubt the guy woke up one morning deciding to go after Steve out of the blue. He said he was drugged and if he didn’t go to the hospital then the guy obviously took enough care not to hurt him too badly…”

“So Steve probably wasn’t his first…” Kono added while Chin said,“ He couldn’t have been known for it thought, because he wouldn’t have been a cop anymore…”

“But maybe there were reports filed against him?” Danny mused, “Like maybe sexual harassment or something to do with a temper?”

“Hm,“ Kono mused, “People like that either fly completely under the radar or no one bothers to look too closely and considering that cops sometimes get away with more than they should, I think checking out old records and cross referencing them with McGarrett’s partners might help.”

“It couldn’t hurt, that’s for sure.” Danny admitted while a thought crossed his mind, “Mary might be of help too.”

Chin frowned, “Not sure about that, brah.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because Steve’s been found for a while now and she hasn’t yet called him or flown over to see him and besides, if he was fourteen at the time, she would’ve been younger than him. I don’t think she would’ve noticed anything.”

“I don’t know, let’s see what we can find and we can talk to her later on if we think it wise…” Danny didn’t want to close the door on Steve’s sister yet because frankly he couldn’t fathom why she wouldn’t want to help her brother.

He didn’t think telling her why they were looking at this was a good idea but if they came up with a good cover as to why they were looking into her father’s old friends and acquaintances she would surely want to help.

And he was also certain that there was a pretty good explanation as to why she hadn’t rushed to Hawaii yet.

He knew that Steve and her weren’t close; that they had gone years without speaking to each other but he was also aware that they had patched things up and frankly he was certain that she would be here, making Steve’s life hell any minute now.

Family was important to Danny and he couldn’t imagine someone not feeling the same way.

“Let’s see what we can do for our fearless leader then…”

##

Steve started at his family home for a while before slowly moving towards it. It wasn’t that he was afraid to enter per se but he would admit to feeling some reluctance.

It didn’t much help that he kept on telling himself that whatever he was remembering had happened to him years ago and the scars it had left were probably healed by now. And if not healed then glossed over pretty good.

He slowly entered, almost expecting the memories to jump out and attack him the moment he was through the door but nothing happened.

He closed his eyes, chiding himself from being such an idiot. How Danny put up with him he didn’t know.

If he turned out to be scared of simple memories how was he supposed to lead his team? Then again the doctors he had seen had been pretty vague about when he was expected to return to active duty so he was looking at a prolonged sick leave for now.

Just thinking about not having anything to do was making him break out into hives but there was nothing to be done about it because he knew that he wasn’t fit to go back to work yet.

He wasn’t prepared to admit that out loud but being unable to remember whom he was did sort of hinder him in doing his job.

At least he had now confirmation that his memories were slowly coming back to him. He might not like what he had started to remember but there was no point in denying that memories were coming back to him so in the long run, it would all turn out well.

He figured that those memories had shaped him into the man he had become into the SEAL he had been and into the Hawaii Five 0 task force leader and without those memories, painful or not, he wasn’t going to be able to be the same man.

Oh he knew that he was never going to be able to go back to how he had been before the abduction but he could at least try to get as close to being that man as he could.

And he could only accomplish that by embracing the memories, even the ones that had him running from his home in the first place.

Since nothing was happening now he decided to make himself some tea. Danny was going to go through the roof the moment he found the note Steve had left behind and until then he might just as well get comfortable.

This was his home after all and while at times it still felt strange he couldn’t deny the fact that he also felt a bone deep connection to the place, a connection that could only be explained by spending many years here, leaving both good and bad memories behind.

With a fresh mug of tea he sat down on the front porch, staring at the waves, letting his thoughts run free.

Hours later a clunking sound in the house startled him out of his thoughts. He set the mug down and quietly padded back inside.

He made no sound as he peeked around the corner, watching Danny fight with a blanket that had somehow found a way to wind itself around his ankles.

“Are you trying out a new dance of sorts?” he asked mockingly, “Is that what it is? And if it is, I think you should take more lessons because it isn’t really working out for you.”

He half smirked at his friend, watching at his gobsmacked look and only feeling slightly alarmed as his friend’s blue eyes turned stormy.

“I told you to stay put!” Danny started shouting almost immediately and Steve couldn’t quite hide the wince that followed. He should’ve expected the noise, Danny might be many things, but quiet surely wasn’t one of them.

But even though he had expected some sort of shouting after daring to disobey Danny’s wishes (and no, he wasn’t going to call them orders, not even in the privacy of his own mind) he clearly hadn’t been prepared for the words that were now flung at his head.

Danny was speaking so rapidly that honestly Steve couldn’t follow. Rapid hand waving turned into ducking on his part because surly Danny wasn’t trying to hit him, he was just passionately moving about as if his life depended on it.

It was even amusing to watch but years as a SEAL had taught him decent self preservation instincts and he knew better than to even chuckle at Danny at the moment.

The words short fuse and bomb about to explode came to mind.

“Danny…” Steve said slowly, repeating his name over and over until he had no other choice but to actually hit the man.

Danny stumbled backwards, cradling his jaw and glaring at him but for now the man was actually silent.

Steve counted that as a victory.

“Now that I have your attention,“ he started to say, not really having a plan on what exactly to say but it was going to be along the lines of that he was in charge of his own life and that while his memories were a bit fuzzy at the moment, they were still his and if he chose to embrace them than that was his choice and not something that Danny had any say over.

He didn’t get that far because suddenly Danny launched himself at him, causing Steve to actually crash over the sofa and with a loud grunt he landed half sprawled on the cushions while the other half of him was hanging somewhat in suspension in the air.

If he had thought that Danny might retaliate by hitting him back he was sorely mistaken because Danny choice of retaliation was far more sinister: he kissed him.

Loud and sloppy and uncoordinated as hell but still, it was a kiss and it literally rocked Steve’s world because moments later he fell completely onto the floor.

9

He gasped; his blue eyes were closing while he gave into gravity, allowing his head to flop back onto the cold floor.

While he might appear idle he was far from it because it wasn’t only Danny who was tearing at his clothes as if there was no tomorrow. Steve’s fingers were busy snaking underneath Danny’s shirt, finding warm skin and smooth muscles and he couldn’t help the half smirk that graced his face when he got to yank the annoying tie off of his friend.

Much better, he thought and with Danny’s tousled blond hair he practically begged to be kissed again, so he yanked the man down towards yet another sloppy kiss.

He could’ve been ashamed that in his advanced age he apparently wasn’t managing some finesse but considering that Danny wasn’t fairing any better, Steve decided to let his pride fall flat.

After all, he really was a bit too old to get performance anxiety now.

He grunted when Danny practically shoved his hands into his trousers, willing them to budge so that he could move and he could hear something ripping but honestly Steve didn’t care.

Danny’s hand was on his dick and for a moment, his world literally centered around that. Strong fingers, a warm hand, moving up and down his cock and what the guy lacked in skill he most certainly made up for with enthusiasm

How he managed to get his trousers off followed by his underwear and how Danny managed to get half naked too was beyond him but he wasn’t going to argue with the facts because the blond man was now gripping both their cocks, rubbing up and down, spreading their combined precome around their shafts to use as lubrication.

It might chafe a little bit but Steve didn’t care and he managed yet another grunt as some sort of warning before his balls tightened and he could feel his heart trying to moving south and vacate his body through his dick.

“Danny, “he managed to groan in between spurts, barely aware that it wasn’t only his hot come that was splashing over his chest but that it was Danny’s as well.

His eyes stayed closed for a moment and the weight on his knees shifted until there was a loud plop next to him, signalling that Danny might have tumbled sideways onto the floor as well.

They surely must present a rather fucked out and debauched picture and when Steve opened his blue eyes again, it was with a wry smirk playing across his handsome features.

“Are you always that impatient?” he teased which caused Danny to flick his finger at him but so far the man hadn’t yet opened his own eyes.

“Are we done now or do you want to continue this somewhere more comfortable?” Steve asked, flicking a few strands of dried come off of his chest because while it might have been erotic a few moments ago, once the stuff started to dry up it wasn’t all that pleasant anymore.

Clearly not nature’s most finest planning…

“I didn’t think I would ever say this,“ Danny grumbled from the floor, “but you think too much.”

“Really?” Steve teased, running his hands under Danny’s shirt, which the man was still wearing while below the waistline, he was buck naked. Much like Steve and to change that he quickly pulled his own shirt over his head, leaving him totally naked.

He raised an eyebrow at Danny and when the man opened one eye to find out what Steve was up to, Steve simply raised an eyebrow, challenging his partner to get moving if he wanted to get any further than a quick hand job on the floor in the middle of the living room.

Surely they could do better than that.

“I should’ve known that you would be impatient about that too,“ Danny grumbled but there was no heat in his voice and he had started to move already before finishing the sentence. “Lead the way then, oh fearless leader, “he teased right back and Steve jumped onto his feet, his limp dick sort of dangling between his legs while he bolted up the stairs.

“Asshole,“ he could hear Danny say as he slowly climb up behind him and Steve was already on the bed when the blond man eventually entered.

“For that I get to fuck you first,“ Danny demanded causing Steve to only shrug because honestly he didn’t care.

Somehow on the way Danny had lost his own shirt and Steve took a moment to appreciate his partner. He might not be as lean and muscled as he was but he was in excellent shape and it showed.

“You sure you’re ok with this?” Danny asked tentatively, crawling up the bed to lie beside Steve while his fingers traced invisible lines across Steve’s chest.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Steve asked back, feeling slightly perplexed by Danny’s question because what on Earth had given him the idea that he might not want this?

“Well, I don’t know,“ Danny drawled, “There’s you getting kidnapped and forced into sexual intercourse with a lunatic. There’s you running like a girl to my bed because of your nightmares…so please forgive me when I am not so sure that sticking my dick up your ass isn’t going to send you into some sort of emotional freak out.”

“Way to go, Danny,“ Steve rolled his eyes, feeling slightly annoyed but also happy that Danny cared.

“That’s really helping the mood if you’re going to say things like that.” He added while Danny gave him a swat.

“What else would you like me to call it?” Danny was slowly raising his voice, blue eyes sparkling. “Love making? Sharing a bed?”

“You’re an asshole, you know that?” Steve rolled his eyes in what could only be described as affection. “Can you please stop with the talking and get with the doing? I’m not getting any younger here…”

And for emphasis he grabbed Danny’s half hard cock and gave it a quick stroke.

Danny gulped, his eyes slowly fluttered close before he pushed Steve’s hand away.

“No, we’re doing this my way,“ the man insisted and Steve was fine with that as long as they got started before he started to get grey hairs.

“You really sure you want this?”

Steve finally let out a string of curses, sitting up and pushing Danny off of the bed. “Who do you think I am? Some sort of damsel in distress?” he shouted, making to get off the bed.

He was unprepared for Danny to suddenly morph into an octopus of sorts and he only blamed it on his own erection that his SEAL training, that he was supposed to have, seemed to have deserted him because that could be the only explanation why he was on the bed with his face pressed into the cushions.

“Now listen to me Steve McGarrett,“ Danny hissed into his ear, “You’re going to stay like this and don’t move. Are we clear?”

“Crystal,“ Steve managed to say in between the fabric and when Danny moved off of him to gather some supplies he didn’t move because if Danny wanted to be in charge right now, then that was fine by him.

He would be lying that during the necessary stretching and touching, he didn’t freak out a little bit, flashing back to what had happened to him recently and there was also those shadows of memories that were always on the edge of his awareness, threatening to come forward.

He was good at shoving things away though, so he simply focused on Danny and his fingers in his ass and once those strong fingers changed into Danny’s dick, well, then most certainly Steve wasn’t thinking about anything else than the hot shaft moving in and out of his tight hole.

Really, Danny would’ve had to be doing something terribly wrong for any coherent though to remain inside his head…and the man was way too much a perfectionist to not know how to push Steve’s buttons.

“You feel so good Steve,“ Danny mumbled, “stretched around my cock,“ while the man leaned forward, pressing his chest to Steve’s back, totally shielding him from view.

It would figure that Danny was going to be a talker even during sex and Steve made a mental note to find a way to get the man to shut up. It could be his life’s mission, he didn’t mind, but he would find a way to reduce his partner to a puddle of incoherent goo.

Steve’s reply was to grunt, pushing back onto Danny’s cock and he could feel the man shuddering behind him, clearly climaxing before his own orgasm took him by surprise.

Usually his belly would feel as if it was on fire and his balls would tighten but this time it all happened to fast that one moment he had been on a lazy road towards the height of orgasm and then the next he had been shoved over the edge, coming as if a freight train was shooting out of his body.

He slumped back onto the covers, totally exhausted and how Danny managed to move around, coming back with a cloth to clean them both was beyond him but his determination flared back up because really, he would reduce Danny to a puddle of goo if that was the last thing he did in his life!

He was a stubborn man and he was competitive and there was no way he was going to let Danny live in the illusion that he was able to melt Steve’s bones while staying in charge.

No way, that wasn’t happening.

But that would have to wait for another day because while the mind might be willing, his body was far from ready to go again.

Danny snuggled in beside him and maybe Steve’s mouth to brain connection wasn’t working like other people because instead of some pleasantries, the next thing that came over his lips was, “Whatever made Mason come after me?”

“Seriously?” Danny grumbled at his side, “That’s your idea of pillow talk?”

“I’m sorry,“ Steve said, hoping that he hadn’t somehow managed to really piss Danny off, “You were really good? I’d like to go again but not right now? Uhm…”

Danny might be right, he sucked at pillow talk but honestly, who cared?

“We probably will never know why he picked you,“ Danny shifted until he rested on his elbow, looking sideways at Steve while Steve shifted on the pillow so that he could keep eye contact with his new lover. “But we found other rooms in the house, dedicated to other young men and after some digging, our colleagues over on the mainland found their corpses buried out in the back yard.”

“Oh.”

“Yes,“ Danny continued, “apparently he seemed to fixate on someone, inventing this whole life in his head and then he put them through a test of sorts and if they passed, he took them home.”

“And if they didn’t?”

“They didn’t survive the test.”

“What was my test?”

“I don’t know,“ Danny said slowly, “Probably whatever landed you in the hospital in Seattle with the pneumonia that cost you your memories.”

“Oh.”

“Don’t worry,“ Danny continued, “You’re a stubborn asshole.”

“Thanks.”

“You’ll get your memories back. I don’t doubt that for a minute.”

Steve nodded, unsure what to say and hoping that Danny was right. But then again, he could always make new memories which was apparently more than could be said of those other unfortunate men Mason had fixated on.

##

“Steve?” Danny hesitated for a moment but he had to ask. “Do you remember anything else?”

“Like what?”

Danny growled, unsure if Steve was trying to play dumb or if the man really couldn’t understand what he was talking about.

“About those memories you talked about. Do you remember anything more?” he held his breath, hoping that Steve would say yes because the more he remembered the better their chances were of catching whoever had abused him as a child and nail his sorry ass to a coffin but on the other hand he hoped that the answer was no because no one should have to go through something like that twice.

“No,“ Steve answered slowly and Danny watched as his lover’s blue eyes slowly flutter shut.

He stared for a few moments, drinking in Steve’s relaxed features and marvelling at the events that had led them here.

It wasn’t time yet to clue Steve in to what he and the rest of the team were doing on his behalf. Steve wasn’t ready yet and considering the holes in his memory it might take quite a while before he would be allowed to go back to work.

And that was fine with him because the longer the crazy man stayed away from guns and cars the better his chances were of staying alive and that was all he really wanted.

He hoped that losing his memories might have mellowed Steve out but there was also a chance that it might have made him worse and honestly Danny could only deal with one child at a time and Gracie, bless her heart, was shaping up to be quite a hellcat all on her own.

Rachel would surely find a way to blame it all on him but considering all that had happened recently, Danny couldn’t find it within him to actually be mad at his ex.

He just hoped that when Steve found out that they were looking into his past, trying to find out who had hurt him as a child that it wasn’t going to backfire on them.

But how did the saying go?

Carpe Diem – Seize the day and live like there was no tomorrow. For once Danny thought that this might actually be good advice. No one knew what tomorrow would bring, especially with a man as unpredictable as Steve McGarrett but Danny would make sure that whatever was thrown their way, they would face together.

That was after all what partners did.

He closed his eyes, falling asleep almost instantly.

Tomorrow and all its troubles could wait.

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked the story. You can also find it at my LJ [HERE](http://kuhekabir-fics.livejournal.com/94436.html)
> 
> Thank you fanofsuper for your excellent BETA work. I tried to get the awesome art inserted here too but this did not work. If you would like to see the art I received, please head over to my LJ masterpost where I have the links. I was extremely lucky with my artists! Thanks to everyone who made this possible!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Carpe Diem - art post](https://archiveofourown.org/works/433799) by [Vahly Dragonfly (Vahly)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vahly/pseuds/Vahly%20Dragonfly)




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